He’s the latest in a long list of household names to hit the headlines for straying from his marital bed – and it’s not the first time the kwaito star has had an extra-marital dalliance.
This time Mdu Masilela has also been accused of assaulting his baby mama, Sibahle Dlamini (28), who laid a charge against him at the Sandringham police station. It was “poor judgment”, the 47-year-old singer said and apologised to his wife, Sarah (44), for “falling into the same trap twice”. “I made another blunder and I’m sorry to put my wife through this,” he told The Sowetan. Just over 10 years ago he fathered a child out of wedlock and Sarah forgave him. She also stood by him when he and Sibahle started their affair and rumours did the rounds he had paid lobola for his young lover – something he vehemently denied. “As far as I am concerned, I am married to Sarah Masilela and she’s my only wife,” he said. Last month, Sarah told DRUM why she had forgiven her husband – twice (Standing by her man, 16 November). “Ten years ago I was shocked and hurt. Friends and family advised us to put things aside and move on,” she said. But she’s standing by him again. “I’m sure there is a man out there for Sibahle, but not my husband.” Sarah is not the only woman who has chosen to forgive her philandering partner this year.
Minister in the presidency Jeff Radebe (64) had to do damage control after text messages between him and a 29-year-old Union Buildings staffer, presidential photographer Siyasanga Mbambani, were leaked. Finance minister Malusi Gigaba’s infamous affair with socialite Buhle Mkhize was back in the spotlight when the former mistress went head-to-head with Gigaba’s wife, Norma, on social media over a TV interview Norma did on national television. Back in 2011, police minister Fikile Mbalula was part of a sex scandal – involving a young Johannesburg model who had his child – that “nearly destroyed my life”, he said in 2016 when he finally opened up about it. And while running for ANC president, deputy president Cyril Ramaphosa’s alleged affairs with three women made the news in September in what some called a smear campaign. But through it all, the wives of these men have stood by them. So why do they stay? DRUM went in search of answers.
LACK OF SUPPORT
Women are sometimes advised by parents and elders that marriage is hard but they need to stick it out when things go wrong. Being a divorcée is still seen as shameful and women are often discouraged from leaving their husbands, especially in rural areas, according to experts. Lack of support from family, friends and community members is one of the reasons women may prefer to stay with an unfaithful husband, Itumeleng Moloko of People Opposing Women Abuse says. But she says both “men and women need to acknowledge that cheating on your partner is a type of abuse.
“Women are usually asked what they have done in order for their men to cheat, which makes it difficult for them to ask for help.” It’s never easy to leave a partner, even one who cheats or abuses you verbally, emotionally and physically, she adds. “Mothers and elders tend to use their marriages as examples of how they stayed. But this encourages the cheating husband to do as he pleases, because he knows his wife will stay put.”
CULTURAL PRESSURE
Culture has a huge impact on why women repeatedly forgive a cheating husband, says Queen Ramotsehoa, founder of life coaching business Tsheto Leadership and Coaching Academy. Financial reasons also play a role. “In African culture, when you get married you buy a kist for your household items. One of the major reasons why my generation had these kists was also because culturally you were expected to leave that home in a coffin.” You went in with a box and left in a box, she explains. Wives were simply not expected to leave cheating or abusive husbands but to stick it out until death, she says – something that is still evident in the country. Often, women also put their own interests last and stay to give their children the illusion of a stable family home, Queen says.
THE DANGERS OF STAYING WITH A CHEATING PARTNER
Not only does remaining with a cheating man involve the risk of repeat behaviour, but men who cheat don’t always practise safe sex, increasing the risk of bringing sexually transmitted infections home, Patrick Koenaite of wellness organisation Pulse Health says. He suggests getting tested for STIs as soon as you find out a partner has cheated. “It’s the first step. The couple needs to continue going for tests every three months. During this time and after, they must use condoms during sex,” he says. The mental health of the partner who has been cheated on also needs to be considered, he says, as women often become depressed after being betrayed. “A breakdown in mental health can be triggered by many things and sometimes people are in denial about depression. They may think they’ve healed when they still have many issues to work through.” All in all, look after yourself first, he stresses.
BE FINANCIALLY READY, JUST IN CASE
Financial adviser Malitaba Makhetha warns that women who are stuck between a rock and a hard place in their marriage should try to save as much as they can to secure their and their children’s financial future. If possible, they should open a savings account and stash away as much each month as possible, as this will make it easier for them to leave the marriage if things get unbearable. “No one wishes to get a divorce, but things happen and people change. We should all save for a rainy day, but more so women in volatile circumstances,” she says.
TAKE ACTION
Pam Gillingham, director of Families South Africa, says it’s never a bad idea to leave a cheating husband. Having an exit plan is important, though, and it should include a place to stay and a measure of financial security. If a wife decides to stay with her cheating husband, there is no guarantee that he won’t be caught with his pants down again, she warns. “In many situations, it’s a pattern of behaviour rather than a once-off scenario. As a cheated wife, it’s imperative you make it clear you won’t tolerate his humiliating behaviour. It’s also important to speak to someone and seek counselling.” If you do decide to stay, trust will have to be earned again, Pam says. “The way in which it can be re-earned is through time and evidence of real change. There needs to be a sense that the cheater has recognised his behaviour is wrong and is working on changing that. “If this is not the case, the actions are likely to resurface in future and trust will be broken once again.
