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In honour of what would have been the eve of Tata Madiba’s 100th birthday last week, Barack Obama gave a powerful lecture at the Wanderers Stadium in Johannesburg in front of a massive crowd.
He spoke at length about many things including how racial discrimination still exists and how to guide future leaders if they want to get into politics. It was an entertaining, enlightening speech filled with Obama’s usual wisdom and candour while also being able to fit in a laugh or two.
But while we were all happy to see Obama and hear his speech, we must admit we were just a little disappointed that his wife Michelle didn't make it. I mean, who here doesn’t have a girl crush on the former U.S. First Lady?
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Where was she? Turns out that Michelle was also due to give a speech in Scotland that same day. According to the BBC, she was at a charity event in Edinburgh where she spoke about how the world we have created is unsafe for girls and that she wanted her own daughters to be treated equally so they can “learn and grow.”
Which is pretty great that both Barack and Michelle can speak at important events and be recognised for their work and they can support each other from afar, right?
Dr Lauren Clucas, a marriage counselor in Cape Town and author of Wanted: How to Create a Relationship that Really Works, says “Without a doubt. One hundred percent yes.” Because even power couples have to let each other shine in their own. “First of all we have a responsibility to ourselves and sometimes me developing my full self means that I’m away from us, but that doesn't mean I’m away from us spiritually, mentally and emotionally. Just physically,” she says.
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So what is the relationship ideal? What should we all strive for if we want to be as successful in our relationships and our individual lives as Michelle and Barack?
Lauren says: “The ideal is that if it’s me and you in a relationship that each of us are free to be ourselves, but responsible to us when we’re away from each other. So it keeps the relationship safe, it allows each of us to develop to our fullness, to explore who we are without becoming co-dependent. So, the description of that when I’m counselling, I’m trying to get people to find that point for themselves and for the relationship which is ideally synergistic and interdependent not co-dependent.”
So what’s the difference between being co-dependent with your partner and being interdependent? “The difference is the difference between need and want. As much as possible, you get to a point where you want to be with each other, but not too much based on need. Obviously there’s a certain amount of need, there’s a certain amount of dependency for emotional support, for financial support whatever it might be. Or just the support to share the chores and the functions of the relationship, but as much as possible you want to be in the want of the relationship, so I’m with you because I want to be with you, not because I have to be with you,” says Lauren.
So even if you’re apart from the one you love, it doesn’t mean that you’re putting your hustle above your relationship, simply that you’re letting yourself grow too.
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