HE WON’T LET ME SEE FRIENDS
Question
I’m a 25-year-old lady and I met an American guy who I’m supposed to visit in a month. The problem is I have other friends there and I’d also like to see them while I’m visiting him, but he’s refusing.
He’s told me that if I go to see them then we are done. He wants me to choose. I love this guy, but I don’t want to live a life where I end up with no friends because he’s made me get rid of them.
What do you think the future holds for us – will he change or should I end this now? I would feel bad about going to America and not seeing the people I care for.
Answer
No one who truly loves and cares for you would want to isolate you from the people who are close to you. The fact that he’s behaving that way spells danger. Why doesn’t he want you to associate with other people? He can’t be so special that he’s able to satisfy every sphere of your life. This is a cause for concern.
Most abusive men tend to isolate their partners so they don’t have the opportunity to tell other people about what’s happening in their relationships. And it becomes very hard to ask for help when you’ve alienated all your friends and loved ones.
It takes a lot for a person like that to change, so beware. Think about what he’s asking of you and then make an informed decision.
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SHOULD I GO BACK TO MY ABUSIVE EX?
Question
I’m a 24-year-old mother of a four-year-old daughter and I’m in trouble. I dated my baby daddy for seven years, but at the beginning of this year I decided to call it quits because he was abusing me emotionally and physically.
He even threatened to kill me, himself and our baby by gassing us. I was so afraid I decided to leave him. But now I realise I made the mistake of moving on to another relationship before I’d healed properly from my last one.
My current boyfriend is a good guy who treats me well, but I think I’m still in love with my ex. My baby daddy has contacted me a number of times, and says he wants to fix things. Now I don’t know what to do. Do I break it off with the good guy and get back with the father of my child?
Answer
You’re in a dilemma that you shouldn’t be in. It’s sad that you seem to be doubting the choice you made to leave your abusive partner because it really was the best thing you could have done for yourself and your child. There’s no reason for you to consider going back to him when you’ve endured physical abuse in the name of love.
There’s no excuse for what he put you through. He had his chance and he failed to love you. And now you’re considering going back to him in spite of the fact that he threatened to end your life. You’re worth more than that.
Value your life and focus your energy on your relationship with your current partner. With time you will get over the feelings you think you still have for your ex. You’ll look back and thank yourself for taking the decision to get out of that toxic relationship.
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MY DEMANDING MOM-IN-LAW
Question
I’ve been married for five years and we can’t do anything without my mother-in-law being involved. This isn’t just about having a meal together with her, we also have to go on holiday with her. We pay for everything because she has no money, which is fine, but she never says thank you.
I’m struggling to deal with this situation more and more but don’t know how to ask my husband to find a balance. He naturally feels responsible for her.
Answer
The task of breaking the umbilical cord between mother and son is a difficult and emotional one. The one thing that has to be remembered here is such situations place the son in a difficult position because of the love he has for both mother and wife. But the mother needs to remember that she was a wife to her husband and enjoyed her time, so she should be willing to give her daughter-in-law the same courtesy.
Your husband should be able to draw the line with his mother and set aside time alone for just the two of you. It’s his responsibility to talk to his mother and make her understand she can’t always go along with you on holiday. I suggest you talk to him about it before it gets out of hand and you start feeling like a third wheel in your marriage. See a counsellor together if you need help to figure this out.
