Question
I’m 18 and in a relationship with a really nice guy. He gives me everything I want and he always makes sure I’m happy. The problem is he brings out the worst in me. It doesn’t make sense, but when I’m with him I’m impatient, angry and demanding. We’ve been together for two years and when I met him I’d had some problems with my parents so I was very emotional. He helped me but I think I’m now hurting him because it’s so easy. I don’t want to be cruel and I’m thinking of leaving him so I don’t hurt him anymore. But I also don’t want to break up with him – I just don’t know how to behave when I’m with him.
Answer
It’s sad that due to our circumstances we sometimes end up ruining good things. You’re acknowledging your boyfriend is a good and decent guy but you continue hurting him. He’s been your source of love and support when you needed someone to lean on, but now you seem to be saying he’s served his purpose in your life and you no longer need him. Be honest – if you don’t want to be in a relationship with him don’t waste his time or yours. Part ways so he can move on and you can do the same. It’s unfair that you’re treating him in this manner and he just continues to grin and bear your awful behaviour. It’s time to decide – treat him better or leave him. You can contact Famsa to set up a counselling session for you and/or both you and your boyfriend.
Call the Famsa national office on 011-975-7106/7 for a centre near you. Good luck.
CRIME DOESN’T PAY
Question
I’m a 29-year-old unemployed woman with two beautiful daughters. In 2015 I was arrested for theft and got a suspended sentence of five years. Please can you explain what this means because I never saw my lawyer again after the verdict. Since my arrest I haven’t been able to find a job – I have tried everywhere. I have matric, I’m computer literate and I did a counselling course before I was arrested. I need to know where I can find a job that won’t worry about my criminal record. Can you help me?
Answer
A suspended sentence means even though you’ve been found guilty of a crime, you may not have to pay the penalty. But you will still have a criminal record. Your suspended sentence means you don’t have to go to jail for theft as long as you behave well, and the penalty will be dropped after five years. But if you commit another crime during this time you may be required to serve that penalty. Unfortunately many employers do want to know about any past convictions and that may very well stop them from hiring you. When the five years lapse you can enquire about having your record cleared. Also, keep trying to find a job even though it’s not easy. If you’re still struggling perhaps you could consider volunteering at community centres to gain experience since you have done a counselling course, and to show people you are serious. Good luck.
HELP WITH MY PHOBIA
Question
I’m 22 and my boyfriend, who’s a traditional healer, is 26. We started dating two months ago and everything has been going really well. But now he wants me to meet his pet snake and I’m really scared of snakes. I love this man but I can’t do this. I’m too scared. How can we get over this?
Answer
There’s absolutely no need for you to pretend just to please or keep your boyfriend. You need to talk to him about what he’s asking you to do. Get him to explain why it’s so important for you to meet his pet snake – and if you don’t agree with his explanation then don’t do it. Ask if it will really make a difference in your relationship. You also need to explain your phobia. A phobia may seem like an irrational or extreme fear of something but it’s a type of anxiety disorder and it’s very real to the sufferer. The bottom line is you need to talk to him – try to reach an understanding of each other’s issues, then try to find an amicable way forward. Honesty is definitely the best policy here, not pretence.
