Oh my gosh I am delirious with excitement. I just got a text from
a guy and I can feel that this is the guy I’m going to have a relationship
with. I’m a little bit in love already.
His text went like this:
'Hey, Violet. I’m Mark, 46, Irish, and a Pilot. I’ve been divorced for three years, no kids, love classical music, and well, would love to meet you'.
He's perfect, and it's not in the way he looks, what he does or the music he listens to.
It's about the way he texts. Short, sharp and to the point. There’s a twinkle because of the ‘hey,' and there’s an honesty in the 'would love to meet you'.
Thinking of all the dreadful texts I’ve received that have made me want to reach for the whisky or kill myself, I think it’s only fair I share my exciting discovery with you. Girlfriends, watch out for the following:
Capitals - Ignore the guy who texts in CAPS. He’s a shouter. He’s dramatic and he’ll yell at you and everyone around him.
It’s okay to use caps for one word M A Y B E (ooh, spaced caps are cool), but an entire message - nah, this man is just too damn aggressive. Sorry.
Ignore the Emoticon user - If a guy uses emoji you know he’s a liar. He’s either a lot younger than he says, or he’s ancient as fuck and just learning how to use the internet.
It also means he uses pics instead of communicating, and honestly, we want men who can interact. One smiley face is acceptable but anymore than that is downright ridiculous.
Got it? Cool. Move on.
Beware the Blatherer - I fell in love with Mark above because he didn’t blather. Blatherers love the sound of their own voices.
They’re desperate and need to tell you everything about themselves before you find someone else. Blatherers are needy of attention.
They never notice when you've fallen asleep and actually, they won't even notice when you don't reply. They’ll bore you to death with their droning, so move on, quick. Quicker, quicker, get out of there.
And then oh sweet dear Goddesses, help.
There is the guy who abbreviates - Check out the message I once got from Dwayne.
'Yo Violet. U lk kwl 2. u hv gd i's. st u lyk 2 do?'.
What does that even mean? I’m guessing he was sixteen and illiterate. Dwayne didn't waste time trying to spell anything and wouldn’t have wasted any time on me. We want guys who speak English. K. Dnt swt it. Mv on. Sorry Dwayne but INCYDK, I want a grown up.
Also, who calls themselves Dwayne, for goodness sake.
It's possible I've mentioned the bad speller before because THIS DRIVES ME MAD. He may type out in full which is better than the kewl thing, but hey buddy there is something called spellcheck and it’s really easy to use. I ditch the bad speller immediately, but not without shouting at him first. USE SPELLCHECK MOTHERFUCKER.
Ooops. Sorry. Again. Didn’t mean to shout.
The guy who asks in the first text what you’re wearing? Well, he doesn’t want to know if you’re wearing Diesel jeans, he wants to know if your’e NOT wearing Diesel jeans. Unless you just wanna sext, boom bang delete.
It goes without saying that if anyone uses LOL, kill them.
And be very careful of the Indecisive Guy - I’ve had too many of these. They don’t even commit by text:
Me: What about meeting for a cup of coffee later?
Me: If that doesn't work we could have an evening drink.
X: That could be cool.
Bye X. Be decisive. Get off the couch. Make an arrangement.
Which is exactly what I have with Mark. A date. I forgot for a minute that I’m meant to stay away from pilots. Instead I’m choosing a dress, putting on lipstick and heading out to the restaurant where we’re meeting. I hope he is who he says he is. He was a great texter.