"My boyfriend just confessed he doesn't think women deserve the right to vote"-how to deal with these and other relationship deal-breakers
Suddenly it’s not so easy to come to an agreement and the person you spent all this time with and thought you knew well suddenly feels awfully unfamiliar to you.
Their views may even repulse or disgust you but at the same time you obviously love them and may have even planned a future with them.
This can be quite the predicament for someone to find themselves in.
A Reddit user who recently found herself questioning her entire relationship after her partner made a comment she never thought she would hear, posted her dilemma to the Reddit site, seeking advice from other users.
“I’m so confused, I don’t know what to think. I’m not even sure if this is the proper sub but I just feel that I need some advice.” she began.
In the time I have known him, my boyfriend has always fell politically independent, or so I thought. Politics was never an issue between us at all.
However he just admitted to me that over the past year he’s grown more and more extreme in his views, to the point that he believes women have ruined the country (we are American) and that they should not be allowed to vote.
He says he did not feel comfortable telling me about this sooner because he thought he would lose me,” she continues.
She then explains how she now feels confused, upset and not sure whethe she should be questioning her relationship with him.
This is very understandable, considering his views or opinions can shape the minds of their children/family, if they were planning on going that far.
Her post was met with over 2000 comments from other users who offered both good and perhaps unreasonable advice and some even offered some of their own relationship deal breakers.
Read some of their comments below.
“So I dated someone for 3 years who at the end of our relationship casually mentioned he didn’t think the holocaust happened.
WAS. SHOCKED. I too had the same feelings you are having and wasn’t sure what to do.
In the coming weeks though he became more and more open with his radical viewpoints and it became abundantly clear that we would never work out.
It was so weird though to have someone I knew SO we’ll become a stranger in a matter of weeks. If I could go back in time to when he first told me that I would have left him then and there.
It would have been a lot less ugly in the long run that way.”
Another user pointed out the fact that her partners’ views could impact any children they may be planning to have.
“Do you want him as father to your children with these views? I suspect not.” They wrote.
READ MORE: 13 relationship red flags to watch out for
Many of the comments called for this concerned user to end things with her long term partner which could possibly be for the best but since they’re not in her shoes, it is obviously easier said than done.
Which is why we spoke to Johannesburg-based relationship expert, Paula Quinsee, and she shared this advice for both the Reddit user and other couples experiencing what they may consider “deal-breakers” in their relationships, and this is what he had to say.
“When a relationship is abusive in any way (i.e. physically, emotionally, sexually, verbally etc.) your personal safety and wellbeing comes first and in this case you are better off not being in a relationship of this nature,” she says.
“We engage in healthy debates, and mostly agree to disagree. We respect each other.
In some instances these challenges can be overcome by learning to communicate better with each other. Going to couples therapy, resolving conflict in a mature way and making your relationship a priority,” concludes Paula.
Another Johannesburg based psychologist Jaco Van Zyl had this to say.
"If a prospective friend or partner holds a specific conviction, decide whether your differences would be a deal breaker or not," he says.
If you are already in a relationship with someone who has different political convictions, Jaco suggests you deal with them the following way:
1. Pick your discussions: either refrain from discussing heated topics or decide to discuss these only when emotions are calm.
2. Decide beforehand when to end the discussion: Also decide whether you want to be right or whether you want to understand the other person's conviction.
3. Be mindful of the strength of your own opinions, not just those of the other person. Sometimes a deterioration in a relationship could result from our own rigidity and closed-mindedness, and not necessarily the difference in conviction itself.
4. You may be surprised to learn that: A firm (fanatical?) conviction about something may relate to other unfinished business from your own past in which you were maybe denied your voice because of some form of unfair treatment.
What are some relationship deal breakers for you? Do you think this Reddit user should call it quits or turn a blind eye to her partners oppressive views?
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