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"My parents compare me to my sister and it makes me feel bad"

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Photo: Getty Images/Gallo Images
Photo: Getty Images/Gallo Images

COHABITATION BLUES

Question

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 10 years and we moved in together five months ago, but it seems to be the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.

Whenever he talks about the future, he never mentions marriage. I cook for him and do his laundry but I feel like he’s just using me.

When we’re watching TV he’ll phone his mom or sister if there’s something funny, even though I’m sitting right next to him. Sometimes they’ll tell him to watch something and he’ll just change the channel without even asking me. What can I do?

Answer

It doesn’t sound as if your partner is treating you as an equal – you shouldn’t be treated this way.

He’s being childish and needs to tell you whatever it is that he feels isn’t working. Talk to him about his actions and how they make you feel. Be blunt and ask him about the future of your relationship.

You’ve been together for 10 years, so there is something worth fighting for. Call Famsa on 021-447-7951 or 011-975-7106 for relationship advice.

READ MORE: "We’re not married but I want to keep the house if we break up" 

MY MAN WON’T COMMIT

Question

I’m 46 and have three kids. My partner is 55 and we’ve been together for seven years. I accidentally found out he’s HIV-positive, but luckily I’m negative. He’s been hiding his status from me, but he’s taking ARVs. I’ve divorced twice and he’s a widow of more than 20 years but he says he’s not ready to get married. I believe in marriage and wonder if I’m wasting my time.

I depend on him financially and am not getting any younger. Am I unreasonable to want to get married? I love him regardless of his status, but he seems like one of those men who never wants to commit.

Answer

It’s commendable you’ve accepted your partner as he is and are willing to love him regardless of his status. There are a lot of serodiscordant couples (where one individual is HIV-positive and the other is HIV-negative) who find a way to make their relationships work. But do you want to be in a marriage at any cost? You said it yourself – he doesn’t want to commit and he was dishonest with you by hiding his status. Don’t force matters if your sixth sense tells you otherwise. Call Lifeline on 0800-012-322 to find out more about living with HIV and how to make sure you are not infected.

READ MORE"I just need to know his status - How do I bring up the topic without offending him?"

HE IGNORES HIS SON

Question

I’ve a nine-year-old boy whose father takes care of him financially but doesn’t want to spend time with him. We’ve done a paternity test to make sure he’s the father but he’s only spent time with his child twice. My son keeps asking when his dad is coming to pick him up. Is there anything I can do to force him to spend time with his son?

Answer

Your son’s father should be commended for being a responsible father financially, but it seems like he really doesn’t want to be attached to the child emotionally. Have you tried talking to him about his behaviour? If he’s no longer in a relationship with you, he might be protecting another relationship.

Find out his reason, and if he changes his mind call Famsa on 011-975-7106/7 for an appointment to do a parenting plan. If he still doesn’t want a relationship with his child make sure your child knows he has your full support and love. Having no father is sometimes better than having someone around who can do emotional damage to your child.

READ MORE: Dad throws wedding party for 24th child with over 3 000 guests present

Question

I DON’T WANT MORE KIDS

I’m a 41-year-old mother of two. My children are from a previous relationship. I’m currently dating a 45-year-old guy and am pregnant with his baby. He says he wants us to have another baby after this one, but he doesn’t provide for my kids and doesn’t pay my bills – he only buys food. I’ve refused to have another baby because I need to find work. Am I being selfish?

Answer

You’re certainly not being selfish – you’re being a responsible mother and partner. It’s selfish of him to want you to bear his children when he’s not willing to take care of them. If he assists you more and you would also like another child, then you can discuss it and make a plan. But if you don’t want another child, or you feel you cannot provide for another child, then you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about it.

READ MORE: Not ready to have kids right now? Freezing your eggs could be an option

Question

I’M NOT MY SISTER

My sister is good at everything. We both go to the same school and everyone praises her all the time and expects me to be like her. Even my parents compare me to her, and it’s making me feel bad.What can I do?

Answer

Everyone knows no two people are the same. We are unique individuals and should be treated as such. Find the courage to tell everyone you’re not and will never be your sister – you are your own person and they should accept and support you as you are.

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