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Do you remember the first time you came across porn? Whether it was something you saw or read or even heard?
My first taste of it came in the form of 'I’ll take Manhattan', a story of high intrigue and sex by Judith Krantz. It was my mom’s book and I remember it was out of sight in a way that suggested it was Not For Children.
Naturally, I snuffled it out and instinctively skimmed through it to exactly the most saucy parts, which I read over and over again.
And again and again.
Because it was exciting. Because it thrilled some primal part of my biology that didn’t need to be explained, it simply was.
Because it formed connections in my brain about eroticism and physical desire before I’d even kissed a boy properly.
I was maybe 12 or 13 at the time.
A year or so later I saw my first proper 'dirty' pics: nude women, legs spread and hands in tousled hair with pouts that said 'now'; big men with big penises holding up their women against walls.
Looking back, I was lucky not to start my journey into porn on the hardcore end of the spectrum – a spectrum very readily available today to any kid with a smartphone and internet connection.
I say 'lucky' because I think there is no denying that the porn most readily available today is misogynistic and violent.
I say 'lucky' because I believe hardcore porn introduced too early affects the way young brains hardwire for sex, gender dynamics and intimacy. Hell, we’re finding that it can affect older brains badly as well.
Feminist and queer porn producers (among my faves are Erika Lust, Courtney Trouble and Jizz Lee) are creating adult films that put pleasure and ethical filming first – that means the sex is real, everyone is really getting off (yes, including the women, that’s the point) and everyone in front of the camera wants to be there.
I’ve also been very tickled by Cindy Gallop (the originator of the 'real sex versus porn sex' movement), whose mission to change porn became Make Love Not Porn TV, an online channel where real couples (really real ones, not the ones paid to be couples by big industry) upload their videos.
Actually it’s been interesting to watch the increase in couples-generated porn – both on Tumblr and MLNPTV. I think it shows a real need for something other than the Rolodex of skin to numb out on, something that at least approximates intimacy and connection.
In fact, Gallop told me her idea for MLNPTV cropped up after realising the searches leading to her 'real sex versus porn sex' site MakeLoveNotPorn.com were people searching for porn that was 'more like making love' not 'normal porn'.
I believe that what has started out as 'feminist porn' or 'porn for her' is becoming simply 'real sex for real people' porn, and broadening the horizon of who claims sexual power from the sexual image. Like Lust says in TedX talk,
'It's time for porn to change; sex can stay dirty, but the values have to be clean.'
So, allowing your body and mind to be turned on by what you watch doesn’t have to mean selling your self-worth down the river. And that’s what I like the most about this.
I like to think of it as educating and expanding palates to gourmet porn after years of plastic-fantastic McYawnPorn.
After all, what do you want your kids intro to porn and sex to be? Cos it’s going to happen.
At least with conversations around sexual representation and changes in how porn is produced (standards, ethics and grading, anyone?), it might be more comforting to leave an iPad in your kids hands in future.
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