Let’s start with Dirk Prinsloo. That nasty piece of work with a penchant for sexual deviance and boundless delusions of grandeur. His whole sorry little saga – which started with the bizarrely “enhanced’ Advocate Barbie at an Idols audition and ended with a pitiful, and yet unnecessarily violent, attempted bank robbery – can only be described in one word: surreal.

Honestly, if this was a made-for-TV movie I’d have thought it was ridiculously far-fetched. I mean just look at this picture that Prinsloo sent to the Sunday papers.


And my favourite bit of absurdity? When Prinsloo tried to explain that the sadistic photographs depicting one of his inexplicably many mistresses, naked and bloody, was actually harmless because the blood was actually ketchup; she was just practicing for her vampire music video. Dirk, what the hell? I thought you were SA’s best defense lawyer.

No really, if Prinsloo didn’t make my skin crawl as much as he does, he’d have made me laugh until my tummy hurt.

Who’s next? Oh, Joost of course. I was at a party the other day with an Irish girl. When someone accused someone else of “pulling a Joost” I had to explain what that meant. She didn’t believe me.

“They caught him cheating ON VIDEO and he STILL denied it?” she asked half-laughing, half-unbelieving. “Like the fecking Shaggy song?”

And then I had to explain that some South Africans, including his wife, actually believed him.

My favourite ridiculous attempt at denial? His whole “my penis isn’t that big” disclaimer. Who does that? Aijaijai. Joost, I’m shaking my head bru.

And now with the head-shaking I guess I’ll have to include Malema. I prefer not to write about him because he gets way too much airtime for a stupid person. And besides, I find more and more asshole racist types are using him to prove their asshole racist points. Nice one Julius. You tit. But his latest quip about the media “disrespecting our elders” after reporting on Zuma’s love child was just too bizarre. Sometimes I can’t help wondering if this isn’t just a very elaborate practical joke. Tell me we’re being punked!

And finally, we come to the man himself. Our very own president. Do you remember how the world freaked out when it surfaced that Bill Clinton might have gotten a blow job from Monica Lewinsky? With the blue dress and the semen stains and the tears and lies and utter bedlam. Our president has a bloody harem. He actually fathered an entire rugby team. With reserves. And his week-late lame-assed apology?

Mr. President, dude, you’ve cheated on FOUR wives. And you had unprotected sex with a woman half your age. Again. Please stop, all of you! Are you listening SA? Just stop being so damn weird, okay?

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