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Recently, I wrote about the man who created a spreadsheet of all the times his wife said "no" to sex, and the problem with "frigid" wives.
Well, a new story has broken. This time it's a wife who has kept track of all the times her "frigid" husband has said "no" to sex.
While at first the stories sound extremely similar, there are quite a lot of differences:
In the first story, the husband, rather than try to talk to his wife about the problem and perhaps work with her to solve it in a way that would please both of them, sent the spreadsheet to his wife as she was leaving on a business trip, said he wouldn't miss her for this reason, and then refused further communication.
She decided to publish it on Reddit.
In the second story, the wife didn't actually make a spreadsheet, but she kept a diary during a marriage that later ended in a divorce.
Some time after the divorce, she told her girlfriends about the lack of sex in her marriage over drinks, and then sent them copies of her diary.
After seeing the first story, one of the friends decided to submit it to a site called 'Guyism', who created a spreadsheet based on the information found in the diary, and published it.
Despite the differences, the following two basic truths still apply:
1) No one "owes" someone else sex. If your partner seems reluctant to have sex with you, it's partly your duty to find out why, and to be willing to work together for a solution.
2) Within a marriage, you do need to care about each other's sexual satisfaction. That doesn't mean the unwilling party needs to just "put out" more. Not wanting sex is also a sign of a lack of sexual satisfaction.
So why the difference in the reactions to these stories?
The reactions to the husband's spreadsheet has been either hostile or sympathetic, but mostly it's been serious, while the response to the wife's has been largely amusement.
This has caused many to call out the perceived hypocrisy of it all. When a man does it, he's the bad guy, but when a woman does it, it's funny? Why? Is it because women are just hypocritical bitches? Is it the feminists' fault? Is it time to join the MRA?
Some of the difference in the reaction could be because the stories aren't the same. The fact that the husband kept record of his rejections never was the only problem with the first story - there was a lot more to it than that.
This still doesn't explain treating the second story as harmlessly hilarious, but the same basic problem behind a lot of the reactions to the first story lies behind the amused reaction to the second:
The sexist belief that sex is something a woman gives to a man rather than recognizing sex as an enjoyable thing people share.
Yep, not feminism, sexism.
Glance over the site that originally published the story. "Guyism - What guys need". According to this site, guys need, among other things, hot girls, sport, and beer. Not stereotypical at all.
The author of the article calls the sex diary "hilarious" and the best email he's ever received. He comments that the husband must have a "bad case of premature ejaculation" and that the wife has a "serious addiction" to the sex toy she uses to replace the sex she's not having.
The thought that a man might not want sex offered to him is treated as so ridiculous, it's supposed to be ludicrous. The author of the article alludes to the idea that the woman's ex-husband might have been impotent, because in circles like those found on "Guyism", men are shamed and laughed at for being unable to "perform". (Impotency is also considered the only possible explanation for not wanting to “perform”.)
The wife's desire for sex is also seen as unusual enough to be funny. While regular masturbation is considered normal and expected from a man, a woman using a sex toy 9 times in 30 days is said to have a "serious addiction".
Of course, not everyone laughing at the sex diary is male. After all, the person who submitted the diary is female.
That's the thing about feminism and sexism. It's not a "boys vs. girls" issue so much as a "toxic-attitudes-about-both-genders-from-both-genders-that-negatively-affect-both-genders vs. mutual-respect-and-desire-for-equality" issue.
Follow Laura on Twitter or visit her blog.
Follow Women24 on Twitter and like us on Facebook.
Well, a new story has broken. This time it's a wife who has kept track of all the times her "frigid" husband has said "no" to sex.
While at first the stories sound extremely similar, there are quite a lot of differences:
In the first story, the husband, rather than try to talk to his wife about the problem and perhaps work with her to solve it in a way that would please both of them, sent the spreadsheet to his wife as she was leaving on a business trip, said he wouldn't miss her for this reason, and then refused further communication.
She decided to publish it on Reddit.
In the second story, the wife didn't actually make a spreadsheet, but she kept a diary during a marriage that later ended in a divorce.
Some time after the divorce, she told her girlfriends about the lack of sex in her marriage over drinks, and then sent them copies of her diary.
After seeing the first story, one of the friends decided to submit it to a site called 'Guyism', who created a spreadsheet based on the information found in the diary, and published it.
Despite the differences, the following two basic truths still apply:
1) No one "owes" someone else sex. If your partner seems reluctant to have sex with you, it's partly your duty to find out why, and to be willing to work together for a solution.
2) Within a marriage, you do need to care about each other's sexual satisfaction. That doesn't mean the unwilling party needs to just "put out" more. Not wanting sex is also a sign of a lack of sexual satisfaction.
So why the difference in the reactions to these stories?
The reactions to the husband's spreadsheet has been either hostile or sympathetic, but mostly it's been serious, while the response to the wife's has been largely amusement.
This has caused many to call out the perceived hypocrisy of it all. When a man does it, he's the bad guy, but when a woman does it, it's funny? Why? Is it because women are just hypocritical bitches? Is it the feminists' fault? Is it time to join the MRA?
Some of the difference in the reaction could be because the stories aren't the same. The fact that the husband kept record of his rejections never was the only problem with the first story - there was a lot more to it than that.
This still doesn't explain treating the second story as harmlessly hilarious, but the same basic problem behind a lot of the reactions to the first story lies behind the amused reaction to the second:
The sexist belief that sex is something a woman gives to a man rather than recognizing sex as an enjoyable thing people share.
Yep, not feminism, sexism.
Glance over the site that originally published the story. "Guyism - What guys need". According to this site, guys need, among other things, hot girls, sport, and beer. Not stereotypical at all.
The author of the article calls the sex diary "hilarious" and the best email he's ever received. He comments that the husband must have a "bad case of premature ejaculation" and that the wife has a "serious addiction" to the sex toy she uses to replace the sex she's not having.
The thought that a man might not want sex offered to him is treated as so ridiculous, it's supposed to be ludicrous. The author of the article alludes to the idea that the woman's ex-husband might have been impotent, because in circles like those found on "Guyism", men are shamed and laughed at for being unable to "perform". (Impotency is also considered the only possible explanation for not wanting to “perform”.)
The wife's desire for sex is also seen as unusual enough to be funny. While regular masturbation is considered normal and expected from a man, a woman using a sex toy 9 times in 30 days is said to have a "serious addiction".
Of course, not everyone laughing at the sex diary is male. After all, the person who submitted the diary is female.
That's the thing about feminism and sexism. It's not a "boys vs. girls" issue so much as a "toxic-attitudes-about-both-genders-from-both-genders-that-negatively-affect-both-genders vs. mutual-respect-and-desire-for-equality" issue.
Follow Laura on Twitter or visit her blog.
Follow Women24 on Twitter and like us on Facebook.
