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A young woman abandoned by her father asks how we can move beyond #MenAreTrash

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When is it time to move on?
When is it time to move on?

I was having lunch with my close friends on a hot summer afternoon when one of the women shared a story. She told us about her grandfather’s infidelity which led to the end of his marriage. He abandoned his family to be with another woman. I was baffled by this story and it struck me later that “trash” has no age.

This middle-aged man had kicked his wife out of his home, to be with another woman. At his big age? It is one thing to decide to end a marriage and start another with your mistress, but he also decided to neglect his family to be with someone else. Men are trash, right? 

I thought about my own circumstances – how I was abandoned and neglected by my father. After years of being completely present in my life, he decided that, ‘Nope, sorry, I can’t do the dad thing anymore. I’ll try again later.’ It’s not like we didn’t have a relationship, you know?

I’m writing all of this as someone who started their career five minutes ago, as one of the most junior staff members at a global advertising agency.

From what I remember in my early childhood, he made an effort – not just financially but he tried to be there physically too. I remember visiting him and spending holidays with his other family. Then one day it all just stopped. Any effort he had previously made to be part of my life came to a complete halt.

Unfortunately, many people in South Africa can relate to this narrative. I can count on one hand my friends who have both parents present in their lives. To paint a broader picture, the South African Institute of Race Relations (SAIRR) has found that the proportion of South African children who have absent fathers increased to a staggering 47% in 2010. 

READ MORE: “Some people won’t even acknowledge that patriarchy is poisonous and a danger to our society.” Lebogang Rasethaba, director of The People vs Patriarchy

The scariest thing is that this is not the only way men can be trash. The harm that men inflict on women and children is alarming to the point where I even start to question their genetic make-up. In South Africa alone, the number of cases of gender-based violence, rape and femicide that have been reported and unreported is striking.

In 2018, we saw a huge wave of women come out and speak about horrendous acts of violence that men have inflicted on them. We heard women speak out about being beaten to the brink of death and others who spoke about losing family members as a result of rape, abuse, suicide and much more.

Women were up in arms and revolted against this behavior and as a collective, established the #MenAreTrash movement. This was an expression of anger. It came from rage and, in my view, there was no better way to cope with men in the country. 

The #TotalShutdown movement in South Africa does address some of my concerns about the #MeToo movement.

We also saw the #MeToo movement break the internet in 2017. Still active today, the mission is to help survivors of sexual violence “particularly Black women and girls, and other young women of colour from low wealth communities.”

The website provides various resources that are meant to aid in healing, advocacy, dealing with sexual assault in the workplace and more. It sounds pretty solid and proactive but I feel like this initiative lost the plot slightly. I haven’t seen beneficiaries of their aid, or anyone from the movement’s intended target group, at the forefront of their media coverage.

The only people who have been prominent faces of the #MeToo movement are privileged white women in the entertainment industry in the U.S.

These women have been the victims of toxic masculinity in various forms such as sexual abuse and/or the gender pay gap.

READ MORE: "Being pro-women does not mean you are anti-men" - Thandiswa Mazwai

But if the movement is intended to have a global reach and impact, it is too exclusively represented by the elite in the U.S. Another thing is that the intended audience of this movement is not at the forefront. In the end, and most importantly, whose life has it actually changed? 

The #TotalShutdown movement in South Africa does address some of my concerns about the #MeToo movement.

This is a group of women who created a movement to shut down the country by protesting against the daily murder, kidnap and abuse of women, children and gender non-conforming people. The purpose of this movement was for working class women to gather and protest with the aim of calling government to take urgent action against what is currently occurring.

Yes, the hashtags raise awareness which is crucial but what do these hashtags do further than that?

They did this in the form of a march during the week and thousands of women missed a day of work so their voices could be heard. It was powerful because if you take thousands of working-class women away from their jobs, even just for a day, this would have an impact on the economy and that’s one way to be heard.

This movement also represents a large group of this country’s population which was one of my concerns with #MeToo. Although the impact of the movement is undefined, research has shown that protests such as #TotalShutdown can easily have economic effects like declines in economic growth as well as lowering foreign investor confidence.

These are the effects that were seen in other protesting countries. So, if that could happen elsewhere, who’s to say our economy won’t be affected in the same way?

READ MORE: Celebs take part in the #TotalShutDown

We also can’t have this conversation without looking at the current inequalities in the South African workplace. It is disgusting that in this day and age, women are earning 27% less than their male counterparts. Honestly, I’m wondering what exactly it should take for women to be compensated fairly in the workplace.

What’s more, Stats SA released its Living Conditions of Households in South Africa and according to that report, white citizens, who only make up 8% of this country’s population, earn six times more than black citizens. Now imagine being black and a woman in this country. Tragic. 

#MenAreTrash, #MeToo and #TotalShutdown are just examples of initiatives that have tried to eradicate the ills that women experience in this country but I feel as though they are not solutions. Yes, men are trash, and then what? Are we just going to complain that men are trash and that’s it?

Surely there could be more that we can do to have an impact on our own lives and in the lives of others. Yes, the hashtags raise awareness which is crucial but what do these hashtags do further than that? 

For me, especially with my experiences of abandonment, my healing (which is still ongoing) consisted of realising that I am worth so much and that I, on my own, am enough.

So how do we move beyond #MenAreTrash and start changing circumstances effectively? I think for one, we need to start with healing. I think we need to look beyond the angry tweets and start being proactive in bettering our own situations, which hopefully in turn will inspire others to do the same.

Once we’ve healed from the trash that men have given us, we’ve already made a significant change. Healing comes with regaining your strength and power by owning yourself again, not letting that ‘trash man’ affect you or put a hold on your growth. The process of writing this piece made me realise that (a) change is personal work and that (b) we don’t need a collaboration with anyone else (especially with the perpetrators themselves).

Maybe the big change is not in wanting people to change their behavior in order to move on, but rather taking action towards changing our own lives, hopefully inspiring others and possibly assisting them to take action too. 

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For me, especially with my experiences of abandonment, my healing (which is still ongoing) consisted of realising that I am worth so much and that I, on my own, am enough.

I don’t need some man who doesn’t want me, to make me feel validated or desired. I should be able to affirm myself enough to not seek affirmation from anyone else. Furthermore, I feel like this sense of self and way of thinking has helped me immensely. The confidence I have built for myself, is a very important asset to have.

I am able to claim spaces, make them my own and thrive through life, purely because I was courageous enough to believe in myself. 

This has also shaped my work life. As seen in #MeToo, which exposed inequalities and various forms of harassment in the workplace, it is often found that men prey on those who are vulnerable and perhaps lack a strong sense of self.

Through my journey to self-love and growth, I’ve seen that I am able to respectfully challenge decisions and actions taken by superiors.

I have not experienced anything like #MeToo-type toxicity at work but I feel that, if we as women can claim our power and assertiveness, then we’ve won the battle for change. Through my journey to self-love and growth, I’ve seen that I am able to respectfully challenge decisions and actions taken by superiors.

Because I don’t take anyone’s nonsense, I’ve earned a great amount of respect which has protected me from workplace toxicity. Also, showing up through the quality of my work has earned me endless opportunities to learn and grow and be trusted to take on more responsibility. 

I’m writing all of this as someone who started their career five minutes ago, as one of the most junior staff members at a global advertising agency.

So I take pride in the fact that I didn’t have to wait until I’m a senior staff member to pave the path I want for myself. With that being said, moving beyond participating in angry hashtags is inner work that you can use to impact the outside world for yourself and for others. It is taking charge and ownership of yourself, so that you can be in control of the change that needs to happen in this country and beyond. 

Reabetsoe Maraba
Reabetsoe Maraba

*The insights and analysis in this article are from HavasIRL, Havas South Africa’s qualitative investigative unit.

Disclaimer: The views of columnists published on W24 are their own and therefore do not necessarily represent the views of W24. 

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