I got an STD that affected my fertility as a teen and now my husband is ready for kids - how do I tell him?
Life has, however, proven to many of us that the truth always comes out eventually. Twenty-eight-year-old Buhle* is learning this the hard way.
When she was only 17 years old she had unprotected sex with someone she believed she was in love with and faithful to her, little did she know she was terribly mistaken, and this mistake would cost her the ability to conceive as well as the trust of her future husband.
Read her story below.
"Growing up I wasn't the most confident, being teased a lot didn't help either plus my parents had just gotten divorced so living between homes with parents who were caught in their own problems made everything ten times worse.
As a result, when I became a teen, any attention I got from guys would go straight to my head and that's how I ended up getting involved with Kami*, a boy two years older than me from my school.
Kami was the definition of a cool kid, and every girl wanted him. He was also so cute, or at least what I considered cute back then. Which is why when he came on to me while we were at a party one evening, I was both surprised and flattered.
That night we had sex and I lost my virginity. I didn't want to but he did and he was paying attention to me, boring, big foreheaded, pimple faced me, how could I ever say no.
I wish I had said no though because for the next few months, Kami would use me for sex and then have the audacity to speak to other girls and flirt right in front of my face all while I was under the impression we were dating.
To make issue worse, a few months after we had had sex, I had an uncomfortable itch in my vagina, I also had strange smelling discharge.
Having no one I could really tell since my mom and dad were not so interested in me, I kept this problem to myself, bathed very frequently and continued to sleep with Kami despite being heartbroken at his player stance.
Years passed and I no longer had that strange itch or the smell but I did have a problem with my bladder. I couldn't hold myself at all and found myself in embarrassing situations as a result. I decided to visit a doctor.
That's when I got the life changing news that I couldn't have children as a result of an STD that I had come in contact with a few years prior to the doctor's visit. I knew immediately that Kami had given it to me.
Naturally I was devastated, but as the years passed, I learned to live with it. And then I met my now husband, and he is a dream.
Handsome, charming, caring, supportive are only a few of the words used to describe him. We've been married for two years and recently the topic of having kids has been coming up frequently despite my efforts to sway the conversation, it always comes back to it.
He is excited to grow our family and it breaks my heart so much that I can't conceive, I can't bring myself to tell him. Even though I've been told by supportive friends and doctors that I need to stop blaming myself, I can't help but feel dirty about catching a STD.
How do I explain this to my man without seeming like I was what is sometimes considered as "loose"?
I've done a lot of research and do know that with IVF it would be possible to have a child but the process is extremely expensive and my man doesn't deserve this. How do I tell him this heartbreaking news?
It's eating me on the inside."
We spoke to our resident relationship expert Shelley Lewin and she offers the following advice to a distraught Buhle.
"I am certain that Buhle has more regret than anyone about the situation, there is no need to be ashamed. Most people have unprotected sex at some point in their lives. She was just particularly unlucky.
She should visit her gynaecologist for a check-up and raise the topic of having children with the doctor.
She should also find out if there is a possibility still of carrying a child and the risks involved. If there is absolutely no chance and the doctor warns against it, this news can then be broken to her husband.
In my opinion, she should get the facts first as well as other available options before addressing the matter with him.
It is time to get real and honest about the current situation and how that impacts on him, especially if he is keen to start a family. The issue here is not in having an STD, the issue is not being honest about it.
Her partner deserves to know the truth as soon as she knows for certain."
We hope this advice is helpful to Buhle.
*Not their real names
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