Should fathers of the bride still pay for the wedding? | Life

27 Mar 2018

Zakiyah Ebrahim

Credit: Getty Images

With the average cost of a wedding in South Africa now between R150 000 and R650 000, isn't it unfair to ask daddy and/or mommy to cash up?

This article by the Washington Post published last year says that parents of the bride are still getting stuck with the majority of wedding costs. That means the age-old tradition hasn't quite died out.

The 2017 Newlywed Report — the largest survey of weddings that took place in 2016 and conducted by WeddingWire — shows that while parents of both the bride and groom paid for 67% of the total wedding cost, of that number, parents of the bride paid 43%. Parents of the groom paid only 24%.

However, I must admit I like SA Wedding Guide's approach on the matter: they acknowledge that there are no longer any hard and fast rules as to who covers what costs of the big day.

Interestingly, it can be said that it's perhaps a little difficult to define what the traditional standards for payment of a wedding are. For example, in Cape Town's Muslim-indian culture, the bride-to-be's family usually picks up the tab for the engagement function, whereas the groom's family will do so for the wedding.

Speaking from the experience of witnessing several weddings happen in my family, I can undoubtedly say that there are a number of issues that arise with the groom and his parents taking on the financial burden of the wedding.

For example, oftentimes the bridal couple doesn't know several people at their wedding because they're the friends of the groom's parents, or distant-related family that can't even be identified on the family tree.

And when they congratulate you, it can be a little awkward.

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Ever heard people say "your wedding day is never really about you"?

But I digress.

I believe that if what you want for your special day exceeds what your parents – whether you're the bride or groom – are capable of paying, then honey, it's only fair for you and your partner to foot the bill.

This article by Bride.com takes a firm stance, noting that a bride's parents' wedding contributions are gifts, not responsibilities.

But don't take our word for it. We asked readers to share their thoughts:

My fiancé and I are paying for everything ourselves. We knew that from the beginning. My stepmom offered to pay for our venue. As far as I understand, in the Christian community, if your parents cannot afford it, you pay for it yourself. We accepted that. I went the non-traditional route and started a funding campaign so people could donate towards my wedding.

Martea Roos

For this bride-to-be, tradition never really played a role when she was growing up, so she and her partner will also be covering the full costs.

However, my mom still feels she needs to help [financially] even though she can't," she says. In all honesty, it depends on whether the family can afford it or not or how strong culture or religion is present in your lives. It isn't fair to put financial strain on either side of the family and I believe everyone should contribute where they can and if they can't, it shouldn't be an issue.

Diana Mould

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Gee Mohamed says to avoid drama with the in-laws, her family split everything equally, while Pamela Dawson Kadri who married into a Muslim-malay family says that her husband paid for the reception himself, and his parents hosted and paid for an afternoon tea for the couple on the day.

For others, thinking realistically is key.

Unless your parents are loaded there’s no way you can expect the father of the bride to pay for everything. Weddings are just far too expensive these days. We are getting married this year and are paying around half ourselves and getting the rest from both mine and my fiancé’s parents.

Jayde Belvis

Sometimes one has to consider each families' values and how old the bride is.

My family is traditional so even though I'm older (31) and have been out of the house for many years, they are paying for my wedding because they have traditional old-school values. And what was done for one child must be done for the other.

Jennavieve Bernadine Churchill

One bride who is also a Muslim-indian, while her husband is Muslim-malay, says that her family believes the man should cough up the expenses.

However, when it came to us we felt we wanted to divide the costs, and it felt good knowing that nobody else can later say that they 'gave' us a wedding.

Sadiya Bergstedt

But it can be best to foot the bill yourselves.

We’re getting married in December and originally it was agreed that both sets of parents would split the costs 50/50. However, my fiancé’s parents ended up giving us empty promises and messing us around so we are paying for their half and my parents are paying the other half.

Radina Kolev

Weddings sure do cost a coin and if there's one thing that stands out from the ladies' comments, it's this: Have open communication, be realistic and try not to place the financial strain on solely your partner and their family. It's just not cool.

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WATCH: Who Pays For The Royal Wedding And How Much Does It Cost?

Who do you think should cover wedding costs? Let us know here.

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