Winter has crept up on us and I don’t know about you, but I’m definitely not ready! With the days getting colder and rainier, and the clothes getting heavier and more concealing I’m in big trouble.

You see, I haven’t prepared for winter AT ALL and I still have a pesky bikini body!

What am I going to do? The spare tyre around my waist is not nearly big enough to hide under baggy sweaters and my arms are still toned and non-flabby. And my skin, although I’m a ginger, isn’t even close to pasty enough to hide under layers of clothing and thick leggings. I still look sun-kissed for crying in a bucket!

I know most of you are in the same boat. But don’t worry – I’ve done some research on how to get a winter body in just 3 weeks. It’s not going to be easy, but we have to get into the correct shape for July. You don’t want to feel uncomfortable in cosy restaurants and bony in flannel pyjamas again like you did last year, do you?

So, here's how to gain 10 kgs, FAST!

1)    Stop drinking water!
Water contains no calories and flushes out the body. This might be good for you, but beauty first, ladies. Rather replace with drinks like hot chocolate, coffee and beer. Also, try and drink as many high sodium drinks as you can – they might not make you gain weight immediately, but at least you’ll appear puffier.

2)    Eat lots of white bread and pasta
Winter is for rich nutritious stews and soups, which can add pounds in the long run if you eat enough regularly, but in order to bulk up quickly you’ll need to add simple carbs to your diet. I know they don’t taste great, and you’d much rather eat a delicious crunchy salad, but think about your annoyingly skinny bum… Now you have all the motivation you need. In fact, put a picture of yourself in a bikini on your bathroom mirror. Your leanness will embarrass you and you’ll make regular trips to the fridge in no time.

3)    Easy on the cardio
Why run if you can walk? In fact, why walk if you can drive? Winter is the time for snuggling under the covers and putting hot things in your mouth. 3 weeks of stationary living won’t do anything adverse to your health, but it will help you lose some definition just in time for July, which is the goal here. So keep your eye on the ball and veg out. So what if it makes you depressed. Would you rather be a laughing stock?

4)    Eat bigger portions
Your stomach will soon get used to being full. I know it’s much easier to be unsatisfied to the point of hunger all day long, but just keep focusing on the scales. Also try to eat very late at night and never on regular times.

I know all this sounds difficult, but if you harness your will-power and self-loathing I promise you’ll see results in no time. If you have to cheat, you can go for one run and one bowl of vegetables, but just don’t overdo it. Nothing tastes as good as [insert socially dictated weight here] feels.

I’ve been following this plan for 3 days now and I already feel more sluggish and bloated. I am slowly getting used to being full and you will too.

We must remember though that rapid weight gain can be bad for your health. But who has the time or discipline to do things gradually?

In November we’ll all starve ourselves again to look “right” on the beach. Can’t. Bloody. Wait.