Lili Radloff has survived parties in Afrikaner strongholds like Pretoria, Bloemfontein, Klerksdorp, Rustenburg and Stilbaai. Now she dishes the dirt.
Partying with Afrikaners is not for sissies. While non-Afrikaners will be welcomed enthusiastically (Afrikaners are plesierig after all) I feel honour-bound to warn you not to drop your guard.
These guys are rowwe boere and they will expect you to party like one of them, even while they constantly remind you that you’re NOT one of them.
Rule 1: Bring food
The host and hostess will tell you not to. Don’t believe them. There will be enough food to feed the Blou Bulle, but if you arrive with something that’s not known to induce heart attacks (for instance, a pot plant) you will be secretly judged as snoep. Meat is always a safe bet. More is more when it comes to Afrikaners and dead animals.
The reason for this is twofold: first, nothing will go to waste. The host family will happily eat leftover tjoppies for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the entire week after the party. Second, despite the fact that Afrikaners rigged the game for decades to ensure they have the best jobs, land and houses, they still feel hard done by. An offering of meat will let them forget about the poor white issue for a few days.
PS: Ostrich sosaties from Woolies don’t count. You’ll be thought of as a sissy, or worse, a vegetarian.
Rule 2: Bring your own booze
Most Afrikaner houses are stocked with enough brandy and Coke to make the Dalai Lama take off his glasses and start muttering "Wat kyk jy?” to random unsuspecting males. On top of this, Afrikaners are extremely generous with their booze. Yet, this does not mean that you should arrive empty-handed, or – God forbid – toting a single bottle of expensive wine. That will immediately classify you as a ninny. Wine is for Sunday lunches only.
Afrikaners can dop like there’s no tomorrow. And apart from God and rugby, drinking is their religion. Chances are you’ll be forced to consume at least three shooters before you’ve even made it through the front door. If you refuse you will be seen as a stick-in-the-mud and this is worse than being a ninny, a sissy, or even a vegetarian.
Rule 3: Dress up
Afrikaner women believe that looking pretty is their duty. That’s why you’ll never catch them without high heels, full makeup, blow-dried hair and gel nails. At an informal party they’ll wear what is known as a jean. Just as there’s no such thing as too much eye shadow, there’s also no such thing as a too tight jean. Afrikaner women prefer a high-waisted jean (probably because most of them have gorgeous child-bearing hips) that shows off a bit of cameltoe. If a jean is low slung, expect to see a wide expanse of arse and a lacy g-string (or hol flos as they like to call it).
Afrikaner men will only wear a long pants if they need to hook their Leathermans onto their belts. But at parties they prefer to wear a shorts and nothing else. The length of the shorts depends on the size of their stomachs: the bigger the boep, the shorter the shorts.
Rule 3: Prepare to fight for your life
As a rule Afrikaners are ridiculously overgrown. This is probably because they are raised on meat and white supremacy. Even a 13 year-old Afrikaner girl is able to stand in as a prop for the Blitzbokke at a pinch if her parents will allow it. This is why, at an Afrikaner party, schoolyard displays of physical strength is required. Men, women and children will arm-wrestle you, make you pick up heavy things and try to drown you in the pool. This is called fun.
Rule 4: Dancing is non-negotiable
It doesn’t matter if you’re at a braai, a funeral, a christening or a dinner party - sooner or later you’ll be expected to “shake it”.
Of course, Afrikaners can’t shake anything besides a bottle of JC le Roux Le Domain or a cheeky Englishman, but yet they love dancing. Be prepared for anything from indoor windsurfing to moshing, but note that most prefer the type of dancing that requires a wide-legged stance with a lot of pelvic thrusting and hair shaking. If your better judgment or sense of shame prohibits you from joining, you will be picked up and dropped on the dance floor (probably on your head), or you will be thrown into the swimming pool. Again.
• All Afrikaners have dogs. If you’re not white they will bark at you, because dogs are racist.
• Older Afrikaners are notoriously un-PC. So don’t fall off your chair if the sweet little granny next to you blithely embarrasses herself by making racial slurs. Despite a whole lot of evidence to the contrary many Afrikaners aren’t actually white supremacists.
• Although, a bunch of them are, so if you sense malice call them out on it, make a scene and then make a run for it. (Hey, it’s worked for me and I’m one of them.)
• A party with Afrikaners can be one of the most enjoyable things you’ll ever do. Just try not to break anything – and with “anything” I mean your bones, your liver, and your heart.
Follow Lili on Twitter.