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The real you

How would you answer the question, "Who are you?" Would you reply that you are a wife and mother, or would you define yourself by the work that you do? These roles that you play are an important part of your life, but they are not who you truly are.

The real you is an extraordinary, complex, and wonderful person who is unique. It is that part that remains when all your labels and everything you think you should be or do is stripped away.

We often don't know this part of ourselves because we are so busy acting out a variety of roles. In addition to family roles (wife, mother, and daughter) we also take on roles in order to present a certain face to the world. We may play the rescuer, the party animal, or the ice maiden, for example, often in an effort to hide our true feelings of fear, rejection, or insecurity.

We develop these roles in order to shield ourselves from hurt. However, pretending to be someone we are not saps our energy and eventually leads to stress and disease.

How do you re-discover your true self?

  • List all the roles you play in different areas of your life. Mother, wife, child, victim, rescuer, friend, teacher, and even martyr are all common roles for women.

  • Examine your motivation for playing each of these roles. For example, if you need to be needed or you try to mother the whole world, ask yourself what feelings you are getting in return. If you are always in charge, or are always giving advice, or are always being dependent, what is your pay off?

  • The answers are likely to be words such as "love", "acceptance", "care", and "recognition". We all have these needs, but we also have the tools to satisfy them for ourselves. Look honestly at the emotions underlying the roles you play, and think of ways to love, accept, recognise, and care for yourself.

  • Write down what is important to you and what makes you happy. Be aware of areas in which you are inclined to play act, manipulate, or compromise in order to feel safe, and try to change these behaviours to be more in line with your core values.

    Once you start getting in touch with how you really feel, you will start expressing who you really are.

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