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- Just like birth doulas assist in the birth of a child, death doulas also create a peaceful end of life transition for families.
- Varsha Sukhu became a death doula after her father died five years ago.
- She offers holistic therapy and art therapy to her clientele which includes children.
Death doulas assist families by creating a peaceful, personal and unique end of life transition, explains Varsha Sukhu, a mom of one energetic daughter and a death doula based in Johannesburg.
This is one article in a series on the impact the Covid-19 pandemic has had on ordinary South African families. Find the full series here: Behind the Mask
News24 spoke to Sukhu about what she does to help grieving kids.
Doulas receive no training
"There are different types of death doulas, those whose focus on the spiritual aspect of things and those who use their qualifications or background to help others," she told us.
"There is no organisation that trains death doulas... It's very much a personal choice. But you will find that most death doulas have done some form of training, whether coaching, counselling, grief counselling, grief therapy, or art therapy, but they've all done something in a free field to enable them to do that."
What inspired you to become a doula?
Sukhu embarked on this journey after she lost her father five years ago. She was already a teacher when this happened, mid-way to completing her diploma in youth development.
The death of her father affected her so badly that it took her a year and a half to find something that eased the pain. She went through counselling, the medical route and therapy, but nothing helped.
She then started looking outside of her situation, and that is when her journey to healing began after working with a death doula.
Inspired, she became a doula and continues to help others on their journey to healing.
Read: 'Am I saying the right thing?': Here's how you can support a loved one who has lost their baby
Holistic therapy
Sukhu uses holistic strategies or holistic therapy like meditation, journaling, breathwork and yoga to help her clients manage their feelings.
"So, through yoga, a lot of people connect deeper and more with themselves and start to release some of those emotions that are sort of trapped or stuck within their bodies," says Sukhu.
She says that she does yoga with kids too, but the most important thing with kids is to provide a safe space for them. You need to acknowledge their emotion openly and be able to speak with them.
Also read: 'God will send a cure': Toddler lives on borrowed time after rare genetic disease diagnosis
Art therapy
"I do a lot of kids classes. In those classes, the kids will randomly start to talk about things, they will randomly start to talk about, 'Oh, my grandpa died, my aunt died or had to go to a funeral a month ago, or my mom is always crying because she misses her mom'," says Sukhu.
"You know, they'll say things like that, and kids are very innocent. But I find that art therapy; the gentler side of therapy helps with kids," she adds.
She says that teachers are also amazing counsellors. "Like, when I lost my mom, my child was a little bit older, and she was very close to my mom. And she wouldn't want to talk to me, she absolutely would not want to have a conversation with me, but she would happily talk to her teacher."
Sukhu says that "sometimes grief coaches, counsellors or death doulas or bereavement doulas for kids may not always openly say, 'hey, I'm a death doula'", because kids would not open up, whereas if you say let's see this teacher or let's do some art, they would agree.
Must read: 'Children deal with grief differently': Here's what parents should know
Emotional intelligence and lateral thinking classes
In some of her sessions with kids, Sukhu does emotional intelligence and lateral thinking classes. She has conversations about what sadness looks like, what your body does when sad, and how you know you are unhappy or angry. She believes that when you break such information down for kids, you can ask them questions when they feel a certain way.
"Kids are very, very different to adults. So you will find that kids often speak more when they are doing arts, or their mind is occupied where they feel like they're in a safe space to speak. Adults often feel quite emotional, especially during the bereavement process, like they go through all of their emotions. But remember, when we're adults, we understand our emotion."
Children sometimes talk in a very roundabout way because they cannot say things in a very straightforward way. In her grief coaching sessions, Sukhu incorporates a lot of arts and crafts and lets the child know that they are welcome to ask any questions.
"They may not understand the concept of loss, or of not being able to see someone or even talking about the funerals because a lot of kids don't know what a coffin is, they talk about a box, or they talk about a little mini bed," she says.
Sukhu tells us that she no longer charges people for the work that she does. She has now started holding grief support circles where she does meditation and journaling, among other things, for free. She says that she is doing all these things in remembrance and honour of her late parents.
Read the full series here: Behind the Mask
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