Publications
Partners
- We live in a society that isn't entirely honest about dating a dad.
- For one, dads come with a package comprising their child and the mother of their child.
- Twenty-seven-year-old Amy details her love life dating a dad and the challenges that come with it.
It's no secret that women gossip about their love lives. So when Amy, 27, finally scored herself a date with a very hot guy she had chatted to a few times at her local café, all her friends knew about it. Charming and handsome, Amy's love interest worked at a Melbourne hospital, which earned him the nickname McDreamy among her friends. He even texted her the morning of their date just to say how much he was looking forward to it - bonus potential boyfriend points!
As expected, Amy's best friend, Kelly, called her the morning after for the full debrief, but there wasn't much to tell. He'd cancelled an hour before they were supposed to meet.
READ MORE | 'I'm definitely sick of the dating apps': Three people share why they chose to focus on themselves
Before Kelly could brand him an unreliable douche, Amy told her: "The most annoying thing of all is that I can't even be mad at him because he was so apologetic, even though it wasn't his fault his son had been running a high fever." Yep, it turns out that, in addition to being Patrick Dempsey's uncanny doppelganger, McDreamy was a single dad of a 2-year-old son.
Reality bites
Being all dressed up with no date to go to, thanks to a sick toddler, was a first for Amy. However, these sorts of situations come with the territory when the man in your life has another woman's child in theirs. "Dating a dad is often much harder," confirms social psychologist Dr Dina McMillan. "His obligations to his children can impact your relationship on a day-to-day basis. Plans get cancelled if a situation with the child comes up at the last minute or if there is an emergency with his ex and he has to step in. It might not always be smooth sailing, but that doesn't mean you're supposed to break up. He could be an incredible guy.
However, a single dad will always be a package deal and if you aren't ready for that, it's important to recognise this before you get too attached to the guy."
READ MORE | Over 40 and never married: These singles share relationship struggles and societal pressures
This ended up being the case for Amy. "When we did meet up, he told me all about his son, Sam, and how he shared custody with his ex," says Amy. "We dated for a few weeks but even though he was only five years older than me, it just felt like we were in very different life stages. Between work and his son, it seemed like he had a lot on his plate; I let it fizzle out because I didn't feel like he had room in his life for me."
The meet market
If the relationship does get off the ground, the next thing to consider is him introducing you to his child - which can often be way more daunting than meeting his mates or even his parents!
"Before James, I'd never dated a man with a child," says Caitlin, 30, of her boyfriend of 18 months. "We were friends for three months before we got together as a couple and I was absolutely petrified before I met his 4-year-old, Isabella. Luckily, we hit it off straight away and had so much fun together. The other day Izzy even told me that I am her best friend, which was the most adorable thing in the world."
READ MORE | Tempted to go back to that bad ex? Relationship coach on steering clear of toxic desire
As with most things in life, timing is crucial to ensuring the introduction goes smoothly. "Don't try to meet the child too early," advises McMillan. "Wait until the relationship is serious and you are both ready. This is also for your protection - if you get attached to the child before you're certain of your feelings for their dad, you could just be setting yourself up for additional heartbreak."
You also have to be prepared for a less-than-welcoming reaction from his kid. "The circumstances of their parents' break-up will certainly colour how the child feels about you," says McMillan. "Don't take it personally - they might be a lovely kid who feels like they are being disloyal to their mum by being friendly with you. Don't try too hard to win them over. Just let your relationship with them happen naturally and gradually."
The ex-factor
READ MORE | Dating coach says this no-contact rule will help you start afresh after a breakup
According to relationship expert Cheryl Dakis from LifeWorks Relationship Counselling and Education Services (lifeworks.com.au), it's perfectly natural for you to feel some jealousy towards your man's ex and even his child. What matters most, though, is how you deal with these feelings. "Your partner will always have a biological connection to his ex through their child, so try as much as possible to have a civil, respectful attitude towards her," advises Dakis.
Your boyfriend can also help you out by being considerate of your needs, so you don't feel like you are always coming second to his child. "Both you and your partner have to intentionally create the space required to nurture your relationship, separate to his parental obligations," says Dakis. Ultimately, if you are considering getting involved with a dad, Dakis says it's vital that you enter the relationship with "eyes wide open and realistic expectations". However, if you write off an amazing guy straight away just because he has a kid, you might be short-changing yourself.
"When I started dating Murray, some of my friends told me I was crazy for taking on a guy with 'baggage," admits Laura, 20. "But if the guy is genuine, honest and right for you, I think you should go for it. I'm madly in love with Murray and I'm so glad that I decided to go with my gut and ignore those people who tried to talk me out of dating a dad. Single dads will always be a package deal and if you aren't ready for that, it's important to recognise it."
