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- Dr Elisabeth "Eli" Sheff is back with the second part of the ethical non-monogamy series.
- She explains the most common meanings of this as it has many spheres and facets.
- Polyamory specifically refers to people who have multiple romantic relationships at the same time.
Ethical non-monogamy can be described across a spectrum of different meanings.
An expert explains the most common ones in this two-part series.
Ethical non-monogamy, like sexuality, has many spheres and facets.
If you're new to the approach, then some of these definitions might not be clear for you.
We spoke to Dr Elisabeth "Eli" Sheff, a researcher, expert witness, and speaker who works with polyamorous couples and families who are opening up about what different relationship approaches/definitions look like and their nuances.
READ MORE | Ethical non-monogamy: what to know about these often misunderstood relationships
What is polyamory?
"Polyamory is a type of open or non-monogamous relationship that follows certain guidelines. Polyamory specifically refers to people who have multiple romantic relationships at the same time," according to WebMD.
Dr Eli adds: "It centres very much on truth and honesty and communication. Where people straightforwardly talk about feelings of love, joy, connection and compersion. Or feelings of jealousy, fear and insecurity or discomfort - especially people in long-term polyamorous relationships."
She says some people might see jealousy as a cause to stop or close up their relationship, but that is usually those who are newer to the lifestyle and do not anticipate their needs correctly.
What is hierarchical polyamory?
Encyclopaedia Britannica describes it as: "In hierarchical polyamory, certain partners are considered to have priority over others. A person might have a 'primary' partner and a 'secondary' or even 'tertiary' partner or partners. A primary partner is generally the partner one spends most of their time with and may even live with or be married to."
READ MORE | 'Humans are not a monogamous species': Polyamorous reality star on making 'network of love' work
Says Dr Eli: "Hierarchical polyamory gets such a bad name because people can misuse it.
"I think on the other hand, hierarchical polyamory works great for a lot of people. It's really out of fashion to say that right now, but the idea that everyone is equal all the time is just not founded in reality, you know, when people have been together for 20 years or something and then they have a new partner they've been dating for six weeks. It's not the same.
"… It makes sense to prioritise your 20-year partnership over someone you just met.
"Research shows that a lot of people who say they are non-hierarchical relationships, when you track how they spend their time and money, they do have primary partners.
"But maybe the difference is they don't necessarily give their primary partners veto over other partners or allow their primary partners to make rules about how other people act.
"It's when people use [hierarchical polyamory] basically as an excuse to be an asshole or to be manipulative and kind of put other people in a really unequal position, then that's a problem."
Dr Eli also points out couple privilege especially in hierarchical polyamory: "Couple privilege is when there's an established couple that wants to prioritise its well-being over everyone else.
"I think the key is not to pretend you don't have hierarchy or say that all hierarchy is bad. The key is to take people's feelings into account and to refrain from making rules for people who are not involved in the rulemaking."
READ MORE | ‘I’m polyamorous but my boyfriend isn’t, this is how we manage my relationships with other people’
Non-hierarchical polyamory
Affirmative Couch says in non-hierarchical polyamory "individuals within the relationship do not prioritise one relationship above all others. This does not necessarily mean that time is split equally between two or more partners, nor does it mean that all the partners live together".
"It's not the couple who makes the structure and then applies it retrospectively. Rather everyone kind of makes the schedule and decides together 'what are we doing'?" says Dr Eli.
She adds it could be an arrangement where the established couple arranges dates for themselves and their partners while considering everyone's circumstances and how those things could change over time considering families, work and general life admin.
Solo polyamory
WebMD says: "Solo polyamory means that someone has multiple intimate relationships with people but has an independent or single lifestyle.
"They may not live with partners, share finances, or have the desire to reach traditional relationship milestones in which partners' lives become more intertwined."
Says Dr Eli: "And I would say sometimes they do it with partners. But that partner doesn't necessarily take on like a primary relationship in their life.
"Sometimes they also live with roommates or non-romantic, significant other because at least, it states housing is really expensive. And a lot of people who may wish to live alone can't actually afford it. Yeah. So, it's fairly common in the United States for adults, to have roommates.
READ MORE | The aha moments that turned into polyamory - 'I will never be monogamous again'
"For solo folks, it's more about expectations than how it looks from the outside. A lot of solo folks don't want partners that have the expectation."
Those who practice solo polyamory, might not necessarily want to spend every holiday with the same partner or a partner at all.
Dr Eli adds some solo polyamorists might have a "primaryish" partner whom they spend more time with that may or may not even be a romantic or sexual partner.
"They could say, 'Sometimes I want to be by myself, sometimes I want to be with my other partner, sometimes I want to be with my kid or my best friend'."
She says many solo poly people can do it in a way that looks like non-hierarchical poly or even swinging but the key to solo polyamory is fluidity.
Dr Eli adds: "For some people, it's really no strings attached. They don't want any expectations at all. For others, there are negotiated expectations that are clearly spelt out."
If you're curious to know how any of these terms apply to you, Dr Eli is part of the team that created the Bonding Project quiz, and they are currently refurbishing it to make it even more in-depth. Have a look at the test at BondingProject.com.
