Publications
Partners
- Marriage therapist Lehlohonolo Mazindo says love doesn't always last forever and that people break up and move on.
- However, when there are children involved, parents need to find a way to get along in the interests of the children.
- He shares five co-parenting gems.
When couples break up or divorce, thy will ideally not want to "deal" with each other and move on with their lives. Unfortunately, this proves almost impossible when there are children involved.
Co-parenting is more challenging to navigate when the relationship doesn't end well or the parents can't seem to agree on anything, from money to value systems.
Marriage therapist Lehlohonolo Mazindo says love doesn't always last forever. "In most cases, friends become lovers, and life happens, then lovers become exes. Most exes turn into enemies who unfortunately have to share one thing forever - the children they birthed and have to raise together."
READ MORE | Happy wife, happy life? A harmonious relationship is the responsibility of both partners
But there has to be a point where the two parents agree on something and that is all about the children involved.
"How exes manage their co-parenting relationship can make or break their children."
The five co-parenting gems
1. The best interests of the child
When you were in a relationship, it was all about the two of you. But since you are no longer lovers and have become parents, it's all about the child. Sometimes you may not feel like calling your ex, but you must make that call if that's the only means of communicating with your child. You may be mad at your ex that you want to deny him access to his child, but the child suffers. As parents, you need to think beyond yourselves and put the child's best interests at the centre of your focus.
2. Maturity for both parents
Exes can be childish sometimes. They tend to be bitter and spiteful towards each other to the extent that they forget to be responsible adults. For instance, if you know that your ex has found new love and they are on vacation, you don't have to interrupt them every minute about things that can wait. It is not in the children's interests to keep throwing them into your ex's vacation to ensure they have difficulty enjoying themselves. You need to accept when your ex has moved on, and you need to be mature about how you handle your co-parenting relationship when there's new love involved.
3. Finding common ground
Lovers usually break up because of irreconcilable differences. But as parents, exes must put their differences aside. Their children's well-being is the common ground. It would help if you found ways to get along for the sake of the children you have no choice but to raise together.
READ MORE | A mother’s lessons: When days are dark, family is the light that shines
4. Never use children as weapons
Exes may want to hurt each other, and some resort to using their children as weapons against each other. It would be best if you stopped badmouthing your ex to your children to turn them against the other parent. It can be too overwhelming for children to keep hearing bad things about the person they hold dear in their hearts. Furthermore, alienating your ex from his children hurts the children more than it hurts him, and so is refusing to spend time with your children with the intent to hurt their mother.
It hurts the children more. You may mean nothing to each other as exes, but you both mean everything to your children - always remember that whenever you want to put them through the pain of having to be used as ammunition to hurt their other parent. If the parents are at war, the children should never be used as weapons.
5. Do not try to replace the other parent with the new partner
Some parents introduce their new lovers to their children as their new mother (or father) with the intention of replacing the other biological parent. They even force their children to call their new lovers "mommy" or "daddy".
This makes children feel like they are being forced to abandon their other biological parent, and it can put them through unbearable pain deep inside. It causes them to experience a deep sense of loss, which is agonising.
When you introduce your new partner to your children, you must assure them that the new partner is not replacing their other parent. Introduce your new partner not as a replacement for the other parent but as an extension of the other parent when they are with you. The function of your new lover is not to replace the other biological parent but to step in as a parent when the child is with you and not with the other biological parent - that's why we call them step-parents.
