Publications
Partners
- As a child, watching the violent and turbulent relationship between my mother and father was intense, but it taught me some important things.
- Among the lessons is that staying in a bad marriage is not helpful to the kids.
- When I got older, my mother told me she never left because she didn't want her kids to come from a broken home, but our home was broken anyway.
Mental, emotional, physical, sexual or financial abuse in relationships is an unfortunate reality in a country with a huge gender-based violence problem like South Africa.
While awareness and access to resources have become better in recent years, it's still not enough in a country that has such a horrible past and present when it comes to intimate partner violence.
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I was a child who watched my father abuse my mother. I saw domestic violence regularly. These are the things I learned from watching the violence, manipulation and gaslighting.
1 - If he hits you once, he will do it again
After my father died, my mom and I sometimes had conversations about their relationship, what it was, etc. One day, while watching Jennifer Lopez's Enough (a film about a woman trying to escape from an abusive husband who then gets her own back), I asked her if there were any signs that my dad would be abusive before she married him.
She told me that he could sometimes be brash and rude, but he had never hit her until three weeks before their wedding.
"But I made him angry, so I told myself that it was my fault and I deserved it and he would never do it again," she said to me.
I wish she had known better then, but she was an 18-year-old girl, who was three months pregnant with her first child, and it was the late '70s. There were no resources for her. At that moment, I promised myself that I would leave if a partner ever dared to touch me inappropriately or hit me, but I also know it's far more complicated than that.
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2 - Abusive relationships aren't black and white
This brings me to my next point, there are a lot of grey areas here. Yes, I fully believe that if a partner shows signs of abuse, you should leave them, but often abusers don't show their true colours until they have you so tightly in their grip that you don't know how to leave. They manipulate you, isolate you from your friends and family, degrade you until you have no self-esteem and make you believe it's all your fault.
Also, many abusive relationships aren't all bad. My parents had many times when they were happy and laughing. I do have some good memories of family holidays and outings. My father was loyal to my mother and worked very hard to make sure our family was taken care of.
He was a provider who could fix anything and definitely loved my mother fiercely, but they both had baggage, trauma and mental health issues that they never fixed. Staying in an abusive marriage is complicated and messy. It's not as easy as "just leave them!"
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3 - The kids will be alright
I wished several times, as a kid and many more as an adult, that my parents divorced. My mom tried to leave a few times, and my dad pulled her back. She told me years later that she had many reasons for not leaving, but she didn't want her kids to come from a broken home, but our home was broken anyway.
4 - Apologise with words not gifts
Every time my mom got a bunch of flowers, it was after a massive argument that shook the house. There would be blows struck and swear words shouted. The next day, flowers would appear. Sometimes accompanied by chocolate. It created a very bad association in my head, where flowers and gifts were given to you by your partner because he had hurt you, yet I still wanted to get flowers from a boy.
When I finally got a big bunch of beautiful flowers from my first serious boyfriend, it was after he cheated on me and bought me flowers and wine to apologise. I didn't even realise how terrible that was until after my friend pointed it out, and then I started thinking about that huge bouquet my mom would get regularly.
Now, I make it a point to tell all my partners that they shouldn't do it with flowers or gifts if they want to apologise. They need to make a genuine apology, where they recognise what they've done and why it was problematic, and we discuss it. My current partner buys me flowers to say, "I love you", not "I'm sorry".
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5 - Respect is vital in a relationship
I'm sure my parents loved each other a lot, but I'm not sure they liked each other all the time. There were many moments during fights where they would say horrible things to each other that partners should never say. They would swear at each other and call each other horrible words.
I understand that when people are angry, you sometimes say things you don't mean, but I also know that adults have the ability to control themselves and have to take responsibility for their actions. Your partner always deserves respect and if there's a time during a fight when you say something hurtful, it's your job to apologise and do better next time.
If you or anyone you know is in an abusive situation and needs help, here are the following resources:
People Opposed to Woman Abuse (Powa)
Powa provides counselling, both over the phone and in person, temporary shelter, and legal help to women who have experienced violence.
011 642 4345
This non-profit organisation helps abused children and their families with a free counselling service. It deals with issues such as physical and sexual abuse, substance abuse, behavioural problems and trafficking, and gives legal advice.
0800 055 555
Famsa provides counselling and education to help improve marriages and families. It helps in cases of domestic violence and trauma, divorces and mediation. There are 27 offices across the country.
011 975 7106/7
Tears Foundation provides access to crisis intervention, advocacy, counselling, and prevention education services for those impacted by domestic violence, sexual assault and child sexual abuse.
Free SMS helpline: *134*7355#
010 590 5920
info@tears.co.za
The Trauma Centre provides trauma counselling and violence prevention services for people affected by violence
021 465 7373
info@trauma.org.za
