Publications
Partners
- We may fall in love with people we don't know as well as we may think.
- Often it's not until you move in together or even get married that you realise you made a mistake.
- Relationship Architect Shelley Lewin addresses four things to consider when 'tied' in the wrong relationship or marriage.
Relationships aren't easy to navigate. Sometimes we may fall in love with people we don't know as well as we think until it becomes a serious relationship; you move in together or even marry.
Feeling like you married the wrong person may show up differently for different people. So what do you do when you are 'tied' to someone who you believe is wrong for you?
Relationship Architect Shelley Lewin writes about how people may find themselves in this situation, dealing with vicious backlash or inconsiderate insensitivity in a relationship.
READ MORE | 5 reasons why setting boundaries can change your life for the better
Here are four things Shelley wants you to consider:
Stop picking up what they are putting down
If someone puts terrible cards on the table, you don't have to pick them up. It takes enormous restraint and self-management not to get pulled into the drama. Part of the problem is that if you include yourself in the bad behaviour, you become part of the problem instead of being part of the solution.
Find yourself some emotional support
When we spend considerable time with someone who is high maintenance, they can suck the life and joy out of us. Emotional support might come from a friend, a hobby or spiritual practice. We all need someone or something positively energising to offset the negativity and counterbalance the exhaustion. You will need to keep yourself afloat until you are apart from this person or they have addressed their issues.
READ MORE | Do you think you are settling in your relationship? 5 signs you are, according to a dating coach
Help your partner help themselves
If you have invested so much of yourself into this person and your relationship or marriage, it is worth trying to turn things around.
Even the most badly damaged person, when someone sees and recognises their potential and helps them to see their light, can be inspired to become a better person. Love them for who they are.
Love them into becoming the right person for you. Set the example for how we treat each other in this relationship. When you marry the wrong person, do your very best to make it work.
READ MORE | Embracing the single life: 5 reasons women may choose to be single, according to an expert
Love them from afar
Even if a relationship ends, it does not mean it has to get ugly and cruel because the partner we chose was unable to meet our needs. Honouring the journey you had together, feeling sincere gratitude for all the good in your relationship and then saying thank you as you leave is the next step. You will experience severe grief as with any loss.
Be kind to yourself, and treat yourself well.
The loss of the dream, fantasy and hope that this was something to believe in has ended bitterly. Walking away is not a cowardly thing to do. Loving yourself enough not to endure a lifetime of drama and loving your partner enough not to be the person who continues to play foul games will offer you both a better chance at real love. Real love is when you genuinely wish someone happiness, whether we're a part of it or not.
Shelley Lewin is the founder of The Relationship Architect Coaching and Consulting. She has been designing bespoke processes for intra-personal and inter-personal development since 2006.
