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- A reader, Mpho Mokone* details how at peace she is without her mother-in-law after 15 years of not talking and seeing each other.
- She has been married for 21 years and does not have children.
- "It is unbelievable that she doesn't feel any remorse after so many years," Mpho says.
When in a relationship and meeting your in-laws, particularly the mother to your partner or potential husband, you hope they like you at hello. You may even go to great lengths to ensure you are welcomed into the family — efforts like visiting and remembering special days like Mother's Day or birthdays. But unfortunately, acceptance isn't guaranteed.
A reader, Mpho Mokone* details how at peace she is without her mother-in-law.
READ MORE | Is writing your in-laws off ever a good idea? A therapist's tough advice for keeping the peace
"I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law or seen her in the past 15 years," she tells us. Mpho says her mother-in-law has said 'horrible' things to her in front of her husband. So, she would rather keep her distance.
"I feel at peace without her in my life," she adds. The breakdown between them also affected both their families. "The relationship between my parents and her also died 15 years ago."
She has been married for 21 years, and she does not have children, and that's how the problems started.
READ MORE | Marriage therapist shares 10 common causes of divorce
"In our African culture, there's always a perception that if a couple is battling to conceive, then the problem is with the woman, and your in-laws will make your life a living hell. I chose not to live in that hell but rather part ways with that hell," Mpho says.
She was also ready to part ways with her husband had he not been supportive. "It is unbelievable that she doesn't feel any remorse after so many years," she adds. Mpho says the hurt has been so deep that she is fine with not trying to mend this relationship. She also doesn't discourage her husband from having a relationship with his mother and family.
READ MORE | 'Our marriage sabbatical will contribute to our deep love' - Couple on taking a 'break' after 7 years
When it comes to making this relationship work, it takes two parties to make an effort. Yes, when coming into a family, you need to make an effort to get to know everyone better and form part of the family, but if they don't make you feel like you are one of them, what good is it?
Robert Beavers in his book, Psychotherapy and Growth, found that family members with different values or needs experienced frequent conflict. In the study, he stated that younger couples find it hard to settle with late generation in-laws, more specifically with mother-in-laws. The in-laws and married couple generation gap tends to divert the thinking between two generations.
A study by researchers Martin Daly and Gretchen Perry titled 'In-Law Relationships in Evolutionary Perspective: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly' acknowledges that close genetic relatives compete, often fiercely, over familial property, but the main issues in conflict among marital relatives are different and diverse and can get ugly, and even lethal.
In addition, the researchers found that there is a cross-culturally ubiquitous characterisation of in-law relationships that is very different, namely that they are tense at best, and toxic at worst.
"In-laws and their “meddling” rank high among the sources of conflict in contemporary marriages, often higher than such potential flash points as financial issues or mismatched values," the researchers say.
* Not her real name
