Publications
Partners
- Annie* was shocked when her husband walked out, until she realised it was the best thing that happened to her.
- "Looking back, it astounds me that I didn't stand up for myself," she writes.
- "His controlling nature was so subtle that most acquaintances wouldn't have picked up that we were dysfunctional as a family."
- For more lifestyle news, go to the News24 Life front page.
I used to be so confident but he'd ground me down. I'm thankful every day that I'm free of him."
Jack* and I were 20 when we met through mutual friends. From the word go, there were warning signs. He seemed incredibly sure of himself, with strong opinions he wasn't afraid to voice. He seemed to get along with women in particular, but when he belittled one of my friends for not being as politically aware as he was, I was repulsed by him.
The next time I ran into him, he was sweet and contrite, and seemed like a different person. Jack is very charming when he wants to be, and I found myself drawn to him. We grew closer, and I discovered how damaged he was from having unloving, neglectful parents. We fell in love and by 25 – way younger than any of our friends – we were married.
Although I didn't realise it then, we lived the life Jack wanted from the start. As a music teacher I'd loved the vibrancy of city life. But Jack persuaded me it was fairer to our future family to move to the middle of nowhere in a beautiful landscape. He's a bit of a hippy at heart. Since he was out at work every day – he works in the charity sector – it fell to me to make a home out of our dilapidated cottage. Although it was a struggle, I found local piano pupils and continued to teach.
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Lonely isolation
I was 30 when our daughter Maisie* was born. Jack has always been intense and, as a parent, he soon spiralled into paranoid and controlling. When old friends of mine came to visit us, he made them feel so unwelcome they seemed relieved to get away. I knew they didn't like him but no one ever said it in so many words. I distanced myself from my friends because it felt easier that way. Jack insisted that I shouldn't work at all while Maisie was little, so I was tied to our house, knowing virtually no one. He had a way of making me feel guilty for craving a life outside of home, as though it meant I didn't love our daughter enough. The postman arriving and having a quick chat was a highlight of my day.
Looking back, it astounds me that I didn't stand up for myself. I used to be so confident, a vibrant young woman, full of opinions and up for fun. But Jack had ground me down and somehow I'd lost my backbone, the very core of me. I've had counselling in recent years and my therapist has encouraged me not to be so hard on myself. We had a second daughter, Poppy*, and by then I was so lonely I insisted on taking a job. It was just a few hours a week at a museum but the social outlet helped restore my confidence. However, when the time came for Maisie – and then Poppy – to go to school, Jack insisted we should homeschool them. Or rather, I'd have to do it, as we relied on his salary and I earned a pittance.
Again, I did what he wanted, giving up my job and teaching the girls. His controlling nature was so subtle that most acquaintances wouldn't have picked up that we were dysfunctional as a family.
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My parents had died some years earlier, but my real friends knew. Occasionally one of the few who'd kept in touch would ask if I was OK. But I brushed them off. I was full of shame that I'd found myself so helpless and dependent. By the time the girls reached secondary school age, it was clear that they needed to be in school, not just for academic but for social reasons, too. At the same time, Jack's behaviour had become more volatile. He'd have angry outbursts if he thought the girls were being messy or disrespectful, and he would spend crazy amounts on guitars and gaming equipment for himself, even though we were broke.
Suspicions
He had also become withdrawn and secretive. When I checked his phone I found long text conversations with a younger colleague. Without being overtly sexual they were affectionate and peppered with in-jokes. When I confessed to Jack that I'd been checking his phone, he insisted they were just friends and that I was deranged for even suspecting anything. I was in my 50s and Maisie was gearing up to leave home. Jack would often come home late from work with no real explanation. Whenever I quizzed him, he would insist I was "imagining things" and had memory problems, to the point where I went in tears to my GP. I honestly thought I had early-onset Alzheimer's.
But then suddenly everything changed. Jack came home from work one day to announce he 'couldn't take it any more' and was leaving me. Despite how awful he'd been, I almost collapsed in shock. Once he'd moved out – insisting he wasn't involved with anyone else – I fell apart. I had no confidence. Every tiny decision, from what we'd do to the house to where we'd go on our (rare) holidays, had been dictated by him. I'd become deskilled at living an adult life. I cried for days and barely slept or ate.
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Starting over
It took months to start to rebuild myself. Friends helped enormously, taking me for walks and just being there, letting me talk. My daughters took it well; they seemed relieved that we were no longer together. Both living away now, they see their dad, but their relationships aren't exactly affectionate. As far as we know, Jack isn't perpetually on edge, and in the process I lost myself. I have been on a few dates. Although nothing serious has grown from them, I've had a lot of fun.
I've realised I'm still attractive and, more importantly, have so much to offer as a person. I don't regret being married to Jack because we have our beautiful daughters. I'm no longer angry, as I wonder now if his horrible childhood meant he was trying, in his own way, to create a perfect family. Even so, I am thankful every day that I'm free of him. If Jack hadn't left me, I wouldn't be living this full and vibrant, creative life
*Not their real name.
CREDIT: FUTURE PUBLISHING/MAGAZINEFEATURES.CO.ZA
