Publications
Partners
- Tokyo Sexwale, 69, recently married his 31-year-old partner after nine years together and not everyone had nice things to say about the union.
- Society is always shocked by relationships and marriages between people with a considerable age gap, no matter how often we hear beautiful love stories.
- "There is the perception that a younger woman is seen as a gold digger... while an older woman seeks a toy boy when dating a younger man," says a relationship expert.
Relationships and marriages between people with a considerable age gap are always greeted with shock in society. No matter how often we hear beautiful love stories, they still seem taboo.
Recently, businessman and former politician Tokyo Sexwale, 69, married his 31-year-old partner after nine years together – a 38-year age gap.
Isn't age just a number? What is the big hoo-ha?
READ MORE | Couple with 26-year age gap says 71-year-old husband is often mistaken for kids' grandfather
Relationship expert Paula Quinsee says that when it comes to relationships, some people feel age is irrelevant as love will conquer all, while others believe age can play a significant role in the couple's dynamics.
"The age gap in a relationship largely depends on the couple. However, often pressures and judgements from the outside world (i.e. family, friends, etc.) can play a role which can increase the risk of a break-up," she says.
"It also depends on the life stage of a couple, where the age gap can be a challenge. The one partner might be younger and potentially in a different life stage than their older partner."
READ MORE | Meet the couple with a 47-year age gap - 'She is so perfect for me'
Paula says this can cause some clashes in the relationship or even lead to the breakdown of the relationship. For example, the younger partner wants children, but the older partner has older kids from a previous relationship or who have moved out of the home.
She adds that as couples get older and move through different life stages, the age gap can be more manageable as they may have similar life aspirations (e.g. a settled lifestyle, travel and quality of life).
Paula believes judgements placed on couples with huge age gaps stem from the stigma society places on age.
"When it comes to relationships – whether it be a younger female dating an older man or an older woman dating a younger man – there is the perception that a younger woman is seen as a gold digger, looking for a father figure or has daddy issues, while an older woman seeks a toy boy when dating a younger man. These perceptions are outdated within today's modern context as we see more and more examples of couples having successful relationships despite their age gap," Paula says.
Paula says several factors contribute to a healthy and fulfilling relationship, but other factors may play a negative role in relationships between people with big age gaps.
Advantages
Sharing similar interests or long-term goals; growing old together and providing companionship to each other; having a zest for life (e.g. travel); financial stability; life experiences; being more emotionally and sexually mature; having more effective communication skills; exposing each other to different friendship circles and interests; support of family and friends.
READ MORE | Cher, 76, doesn't care what you think about her 36-year-old boyfriend - 'Haters are gonna hate'
Disadvantages
The younger partner may have to take care of the older partner as they move into their more senior years or retirement; medical issues and illness; fertility or libido challenges; financial and emotional power struggles, differences in opinion and perspectives due to the age difference; life experiences; insecurities; societal pressures; and disapproval of family and friends.
"Ultimately, the relationship's day-to-day emotions, thoughts and behaviours are determined by the couple and how they choose to deal with issues as they crop up, not by what society dictates," Paula says.
"The couple themselves are the ones that need to be comfortable with the age gap between them and have worked through any potential challenges the gap may hold for them and where they are at in their life stage.
Paula Quinsee is the founder of Engaged Humans, facilitating connection between men, women and couples. She is a certified Imago relationship therapy educator and facilitator, NLP practitioner, PDA Analyst, coach and trainer.
