Context matters when deciding to be with someone

• Having multiple breakups and divorces could be a red flag.
• But a relationship expert says a variety of factors might be involved, so it's important to keep an open mind.
• However, a persistent pattern of unhealthy relationships could be a red flag, the expert warns.

When becoming involved in a relationship, certain things are deal breakers or red flags, but these might not apply to everyone.

Internationally acclaimed composer and producer Lebo Morake, known as Lebo M, has been engaged eight times and has had four wives.

Relationship expert Paula Quinsee says finding out that your partner was married before or several times doesn't always spell doom and gloom.

Many factors can contribute to failed relationships, she says.

While multiple breakups and divorces could be a red flag, "there may be a variety of factors involved, so it's essential to approach the situation with an open mind rather than immediately labelling it as a red flag or indicative of issues", she adds.

READ MORE | The circle of wives | 8 engagements, 4 wives: All the times Lebo M went from I do to I don't

Reasons people have multiple relationships and marriages:

1. Life circumstances - People go through different life stages, challenges, and personal growth journeys. Multiple breakups or divorces might have resulted from complex life circumstances, such as changes in values, goals, or personal development and dealing with past issues and trauma (e.g. childhood, abuse, infidelity, etc.).

2. Communication and compatibility - Failed relationships are often a result of communication issues, differences in values, goals, or compatibility. It doesn't necessarily mean the person has issues; it could be a result of not being able to work through issues together, not seeking professional help, not finding the right person, or being in unhealthy relationships (i.e. repetitive patterns).

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3. Personal growth - Experiencing breakups can lead to personal growth and self-discovery. People who have been through multiple breakups might have gained valuable insights into their own needs, boundaries, and what they are looking for in a partner if they have opted to do the personal work and reflection to learn more about themselves and want to learn from past mistakes.

4. Unresolved emotional baggage - Someone who consistently struggles to maintain relationships may have unresolved emotional baggage, commitment issues, or difficulties with vulnerability and intimacy. In this case, seeking therapy or counselling will be beneficial to create healthy attachments and relationships in the future.

5. External factors – There could have been external stressors, such as financial difficulties, cultural and family expectations, health issues, career stresses, and other factors that can contributed to relationship challenges and breakdowns.

Quinsee says it's important not to judge someone solely on the basis of their relationship history, adding that the context and reasons for the breakups are important. If there's a consistent pattern of unhealthy behaviours, mistreatment of partners, or disregard for their own (or their ex-partner's) feelings, it could be a red flag and raise more concerns.

There are other factors to look at when deciding to be with someone who has had multiple failed relationships. 

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"Take the time to assess your compatibility on the basis of lifestyle, life stage, and relationship aspirations and be mindful of your emotional needs and boundaries. If you are concerned about any factors, seeking professional help to work through your concerns can play an important role before going down the relationship path."

Paula Quinsee is the founder of Engaged Humans, facilitating connection between men, women and couples. She is a certified Imago Relationship Therapy educator and facilitator, NLP practitioner, PDA analyst, coach and trainer. Paula is also the author of two self-help guides: Embracing Conflict and Embracing No as well as an international speaker, advocate for mental health and gender-based violence activist. For more info: www.engagedhumans.com