Publications
Partners
- Emotional abuse often goes unnoticed in relationships because there's usually no violence involved.
- This type of abuse can also be inconsistent.
- Psychotherapist Mary Jo Rapini shares signs to look out for and actions to take.
As more awareness is raised around mental health, we're learning the different ways it is rooted. And while no scars are visible to the eye, emotional abuse is still as severe as physical abuse. It can occur within families, friendships and in relationships. Emotional abuse in relationships occurs in different ways and may not happen every day. It may be inconsistent where your partner builds you up and suddenly pulls the rug from underneath you.
READ MORE | Former Spice Girl Mel B says she was left feeling powerless after abusive marriage
This inconsistency becomes abusive when this behaviour occurs frequently, and the stakes are raised when your life has become defined by the relationship. When couples no longer confront the issue or seek professional help for resolution, the relationship becomes riddled with inconsistent emotional abuse.
4 warning signs that your partner displays abusive patterns
1. Inconsistent behaviour when it involves you or your pursuits.
Your partner makes you feel on top of the world one day but ignores you for the next 4 or 5 days.
2. Consistently shuts down during hard times.
You need your partner most during the toughest times, but they completely shut down.
READ MORE | Anna Kendrick recalls emotionally abusive relationship: 'My body still believes it was my fault'
3. Talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk.
This type of partner says what you need to hear but lacks follow-through or consistency.
4. Does not include you in future plans and fails to think of you when you're not present.
When inconsistency becomes abusive, your partner is no longer excited to see you and keeps you in the dark about their personal plans or future goals.
If, after reviewing the above warning signs, you feel as though you are married to an inconsistent abusive partner, you're not a victim. In fact, there are actions you can take to help you feel more in control of your situation.
READ MORE | In a toxic relationship? Here’s how to handle it
Here are 4 suggestions to consider:
1. Develop a relationship with yourself.
Stop in your tracks and refocus on the needs of yourself and your children. Reflect upon what you’ve allowed to occur. A good place to start is by learning to say "No" and stand up for yourself. Inconsistent partners typically spend a significant amount of time alone. Rather than resenting their alone time, use it to become educated, invest in therapy, and create a plan.
2. Speak to your partner face-to-face.
Tell your partner exactly what you have observed; inconsistent partners can be blind to their behaviour. If you’d like to see a therapist together, tell them you’d like them to accompany you if they are willing to make changes.
READ MORE | 'It's OK to be angry': Harrowing childhood abuse prompts woman to teach others about trafficking
3. Do not consider yourself as their victim.
Suggest they transparently express what they want so that you can plan your way forward together. Sinking into the victim role will destroy your confidence and may create fear in your children, who could feel abandoned and insecure.
4. Rely on the help of a licensed therapist to guide you.
A marriage based on inconsistency leads to fragile trust and resentment. Sometimes it is impossible and unhealthy to try to save the marriage. With the support and guidance of a therapist, you can gain clarity and be in a better position to make long-term decisions.
Each partner is responsible for the consistency of their words matching their actions. When you no longer trust your partner's words, the marriage ceases to be a healthy, viable entity. Without trust, there is no foundation to build a sustainable relationship.
