'I have never looked back': When becoming a single parent is a lifesaving move

My son's first birthday was probably the worst day of my life.

I had worked so hard and so long, hoping this day would work. But when I realised yet another day of breaking my back to keep everyone happy and trying to maintain a sense of normalcy was not working, some hard reality checks set in.

There are many single moms. I am not the first, I certainly will not be the last. But that birthday was the beginning of the end for me, in terms of leaving my sons dad, and a new beginning that has been the hardest journey of my life.

I always knew there was something amiss – but you always believe you can fix things. But some things you can't.

And the realisation of that bites very deep. So here is my story. I always knew something was not right.

I think, as a woman, you always believe you can do something, but there were red markers from the beginning.

I won't say I was an angel. But when you are in your late 30s and you fall pregnant, suddenly your priorities change. You would hope your partner does as well.

In my case, not so.

If he went to two scans with me, that was plenty. More red flags, but hey, when the child is here, surely things would change.

They did not.

I had the most amazing obstetrician-gynaecologist. All he said to me was: "Essie… some dads are more involved than others, but I promise you, I will make sure that you and your child will be okay."

And he was.

It was a traumatic birth. After 22 hours, I was rushed to theatre as both of us had gone into distress. There was a bit of a stay in the newborn intensive care unit afterwards for my son, and we had to room in for a few days because there were issues with feeding, but we got through it.

The harsh reality of being dropped off at home with no help with a newborn and a painful C-section wound – his dad went straight back "to work" – was just an inkling of what was to come.

Instinct kicked in

The day I found my child with an empty Tik packet in his hand, was not the day I left.

It took me at least three months after that.

I hoped the fright would be enough for his dad. Turns out it was not. I am not stupid by any means. Of course, I wanted the best for my child.

But, against hope, I wished it would work. It clearly did not.

We both moved back to our family home when my son was a year and a half. Why I left the day I did, I can't say, other than instinct kicked in and I figured the long-term damage would be more detrimental to my son's development than staying and hoping things would change.

My son was quite shielded and frankly a bit young to fully comprehend what was going on. But I could see he was not comfortable with his dad and would retreat a bit.

As young as he was, I could sense he was scared. And that was something I was not going to stand for.

I packed all his things in my sister's car and grabbed a few of my things before his dad came back from going to buy ice cream after yet another day of hectic mood swings and tension.

When we drove off, there were tears of immense fear and sadness, but also an incredible sense of relief. I have never looked back.

I lost a lot of things that night, sentimental things, but they were material things.

A single parent

Then came the first of many things you do on your own as a single parent. You have to make so many decisions on your own, hoping to God you do the right thing.

The first of these were finding a crèche, a good paediatrician and a GP in the area, and then finding schools.

We were very blessed in that my sister and mom had a superb GP who quickly sorted us out, and immediately put me on a course of anti-depressants, which, quite frankly, was long overdue.

The other thing I had to learn was to let go and ask for help.

We come from a family of women, so boys were a bit of a foreign concept. We were so used to fending for ourselves.

But I was blessed with an incredible community of friends and neighbours. Some started off as neighbours and childhood friends, but they are now like family to me.

I actually realised you aren't alone and there's no shame in asking for help. At that time, my mom became critically ill, and the support I got without having to ask, is something I will be eternally grateful for.

A different reality

My son has a strong sense of the male role models in his life, and they have stepped up in ways I could not even have imagined. He also has a strong sense of who he is. He is such a happy, independent child and always wakes up with a smile.

He doesn't ask about his dad much. I expect those questions will come in due course.

There's no way one can prepare for that and I will have to find a way to deal with those questions.

I will not sugar-coat things because I don't think it is the right way to go about it. I have never ever bad-mouthed his dad in front of him. That, I believe, would be unfair.

But what I do know is that he is emotionally very secure and had I not stepped away when I did, I think my reality would be very different right now.

Words by Estrelita Moses

Edited by Elizabeth Mamacos

Read more in the series here: Finding Family | Nine mothers share the defining moments of their rocky path to parenthood

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