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I have decided to write about my eating disorder so that I can keep track of this disorder.
From here on out, I want to call this disorder my Personal Food Nightmares (PFN), because just reading the words eating disorder makes me feel like something is wrong with me and it instantly makes me want to turn the 'share' option off. So here we go:
The last time we spoke about my PFN was on my first blog post, and then I was starting to slide into an upgraded version of what I was already having to deal with.
Not only was I going through the process of feeling guilty and fat every time food would pass my lips, but it was getting so bad, that I didn't even want to eat because I could already feel the guilt and the fat.
I haven't thrown any meal up for almost a month.
Don't be proud. Don't congratulate me. The moment you do, I know that my instant first thought will be "I'm doing it." which leads to "I have this under control" which leads to the drawing board.
I still feel guilty every single day, through every single meal and I still struggle to look at myself in the mirror.
There is no meal plan to help me eat extremely healthy because we all know that to afford the healthy things in life (fruit & veg) is expensive and expensive is something I cannot afford at the moment.
For the past week and a half I have been feeling extremely oversized fat, which has lead me to eat less and sometimes, even nothing. This isn't good.
Not because the doctor said so, but because I know that if I don't eat properly, then all the food I am stopping my body from eating will be stored away when I have my next meal and then I'll be even fatter.
This battle is turning into a circle and without throwing up after meals, I am starting to feel lost.
I am not the type of girl that was designed to say no to food so when I do, my body hates me back.
I need to eat three meals a day (even just two), but how do I stop myself from throwing up? How do I stop myself from hating myself when I look in the mirror afterwards?
How do I stop myself from feeling the fat instantly absorb its way into my body, before I've even swallowed?
How do I stop myself from feeling the guilt so intensely?
Is it really this easy for everyone? Or is it just me?
Follow Women24 on Twitter and like us on Facebook.
From here on out, I want to call this disorder my Personal Food Nightmares (PFN), because just reading the words eating disorder makes me feel like something is wrong with me and it instantly makes me want to turn the 'share' option off. So here we go:
The last time we spoke about my PFN was on my first blog post, and then I was starting to slide into an upgraded version of what I was already having to deal with.
Not only was I going through the process of feeling guilty and fat every time food would pass my lips, but it was getting so bad, that I didn't even want to eat because I could already feel the guilt and the fat.
I haven't thrown any meal up for almost a month.
Don't be proud. Don't congratulate me. The moment you do, I know that my instant first thought will be "I'm doing it." which leads to "I have this under control" which leads to the drawing board.
I still feel guilty every single day, through every single meal and I still struggle to look at myself in the mirror.
There is no meal plan to help me eat extremely healthy because we all know that to afford the healthy things in life (fruit & veg) is expensive and expensive is something I cannot afford at the moment.
For the past week and a half I have been feeling extremely oversized fat, which has lead me to eat less and sometimes, even nothing. This isn't good.
Not because the doctor said so, but because I know that if I don't eat properly, then all the food I am stopping my body from eating will be stored away when I have my next meal and then I'll be even fatter.
This battle is turning into a circle and without throwing up after meals, I am starting to feel lost.
I am not the type of girl that was designed to say no to food so when I do, my body hates me back.
I need to eat three meals a day (even just two), but how do I stop myself from throwing up? How do I stop myself from hating myself when I look in the mirror afterwards?
How do I stop myself from feeling the fat instantly absorb its way into my body, before I've even swallowed?
How do I stop myself from feeling the guilt so intensely?
Is it really this easy for everyone? Or is it just me?
Follow Women24 on Twitter and like us on Facebook.
