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In no particular order, here are three things that have happened to me in the past week:
1) A man catcalled me on the way to my house from the taxi rank.
2) I was ordered to smile by a random passer-by at my university.
3) My friends and I had the standard, recurring conversation about getting matching tattoos; perhaps a tiny outline of Africa. The conversation was shut down by the standard, recurring response that my friend needs to move out of her parents’ home before getting a tattoo or they’d disown her.
When a man catcalls a woman, he’s reminding her that her body is not her own.
She is not an autonomous person on the way home from work or school, but rather an object of desire, or something that only exists for a man’s viewing pleasure.
Similarly, randomly telling a woman – especially if she’s a stranger – to smile is uncool. While your intention may be good, it’s another expression of male entitlement (or as I like to call it, men entitlement. If you know the difference, we can kick it).
Think about it this way: what is a smile? Why do people smile? In my experience, people smile for two reasons: because they’re happy or to look more attractive. Since my personal happiness and expression thereof is of no concern to this stranger, I can only assume that he wanted me to smile because he was offended by the unattractiveness of my bitchy resting face. Because, I mean, he’s entitled to see beautiful, happy, smiling women on his walk to class, so how dare I display another emotion on my own face?
While I’m the first to say that smiling women are absolutely gorgeous, women don’t exist primarily to be beautiful. They’re people, not décor. Women can’t walk around with perpetual, Chucky-esque smiles plastered on their faces. We feel and express a range of emotions; at the time I was bewildered because I was pretty sure I put my shoes on the wrong feet again.
Expecting us to be bubbly all the time is not only a one-dimensional view of our gender, but insensitive. I could have just lost a loved one, failed a test, or found out I had a serious medical condition. One of my Twitter followers tweeted that her mom was once told to smile when she was on her way to identify her husband’s body.
You don’t know the person, you don’t know what’s happening in her life, and you don’t know whether you could be making it worse (FYI, you probably are).
Are you taking a photo of me? Are you telling me a hilarious joke? Are you smashing patriarchy? No? Then no, I won’t smile. My smile is an expression of my emotion, not something intended to make you happy. Telling a woman to smile is, in effect, telling her what to do with her body in order to please you.
The above tales are seemingly small expressions of man entitlement; they’re everyday examples of how women are constantly reminded that their bodies are not their own. So what does that have to do with the last example – my friend not being able to get a tattoo?
Just as some men feel entitled to tell women what to do with their bodies, parents feel entitled to their daughters’ bodies. I single out daughters specifically because, in my experience, it happens more commonly to women.
It’s creepy. I’m 18 now, nearly 19, and I’ve seen the creepiest rules being bestowed upon my peers by some of their parents. I have 19-year-old acquaintances who aren’t allowed to club. Some aren’t allowed to club in a dress. Some aren’t allowed to work. Some aren’t allowed to get tattoos or piercings. Some aren’t allowed to wear makeup. Some aren’t allowed to use birth control, despite the fact that it was recommended by a doctor. Some aren’t allowed wear tampons. Some aren’t allowed to date. Some aren’t allowed to sleep out. And most aren’t allowed to do a multitude of things that their brothers are allowed to do.
I’m pretty sure that these parents have their reasons, but when I ask most of my friends how their parents justify their ridiculous rules, I always get one of two answers. One answer is that their parents simply don’t answer. I think that’s a little bloody rude. If you’re going to restrict my bodily autonomy, be polite enough to tell me why.
Another answer is that their parents are trying to protect them. It’s a bit of a cop-out answer sometimes – protect them from what, exactly? Half of the time the things they’re restricted from aren’t that dangerous, especially not if their parents know they’re doing it.
I understand why parents would place extra emphasis on protecting their daughters – it can be scary trying to raise a young woman when the incidence of rape is so high. But this, again, feeds into the idea that the victim always has the onus of avoiding rape and other forms of abuse, instead of the attacker.
Your daughter won’t get raped if she goes clubbing. Your daughter might get raped if there is a rapist around, and this can happen absolutely everywhere. I’m not saying lock your daughters up completely, but rather, that you should accept that rape doesn’t occur because of anything victims do or don’t do, but rather because rapists exist. And also, because rape culture exists – which is, um, something you’re perpetuating right now by being an entitled, choice-restricting misogynist.
Do you put as much effort into teaching your sons not to rape as you do trying to teach your daughter not to get raped? No? Sit down.
As for tattoos and piercings, I get that a parent would be concerned about the appearance and permanence of body alterations. However, it is not you but your daughter that will have to live with her decision.
A sliver of metal in your daughter’s naval will not interfere with your life; removing her bodily autonomy will interfere with hers.
One of the worst things we can do to young women is to take their autonomy away under the guise of protecting them.
We live in a society where it’s acceptable for families and communities to have more control over a woman’s body than a woman herself – perhaps not legally, but practically.
Preventing a woman from making choices about her own body manifests itself in a variety of ways, from rape to restricted access to contraception, to catcalling or preventing young women from piercing their own bodies. The impact is varied, but it all stems from the patriarchal idea that women’s bodies are never their own.
Authors note: I’d like to thank my mom for never telling me what to do with my body. Hi, Mom.
Also, I’ve made great effort to hide the identities of my ‘acquaintances’ in this piece, so let’s just assume any similarities to the parents of people I know is purely coincidental. Especially you, Mr. Abrahams. Asshole.
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1) A man catcalled me on the way to my house from the taxi rank.
2) I was ordered to smile by a random passer-by at my university.
3) My friends and I had the standard, recurring conversation about getting matching tattoos; perhaps a tiny outline of Africa. The conversation was shut down by the standard, recurring response that my friend needs to move out of her parents’ home before getting a tattoo or they’d disown her.
When a man catcalls a woman, he’s reminding her that her body is not her own.
She is not an autonomous person on the way home from work or school, but rather an object of desire, or something that only exists for a man’s viewing pleasure.
Similarly, randomly telling a woman – especially if she’s a stranger – to smile is uncool. While your intention may be good, it’s another expression of male entitlement (or as I like to call it, men entitlement. If you know the difference, we can kick it).
Think about it this way: what is a smile? Why do people smile? In my experience, people smile for two reasons: because they’re happy or to look more attractive. Since my personal happiness and expression thereof is of no concern to this stranger, I can only assume that he wanted me to smile because he was offended by the unattractiveness of my bitchy resting face. Because, I mean, he’s entitled to see beautiful, happy, smiling women on his walk to class, so how dare I display another emotion on my own face?
While I’m the first to say that smiling women are absolutely gorgeous, women don’t exist primarily to be beautiful. They’re people, not décor. Women can’t walk around with perpetual, Chucky-esque smiles plastered on their faces. We feel and express a range of emotions; at the time I was bewildered because I was pretty sure I put my shoes on the wrong feet again.
Expecting us to be bubbly all the time is not only a one-dimensional view of our gender, but insensitive. I could have just lost a loved one, failed a test, or found out I had a serious medical condition. One of my Twitter followers tweeted that her mom was once told to smile when she was on her way to identify her husband’s body.
You don’t know the person, you don’t know what’s happening in her life, and you don’t know whether you could be making it worse (FYI, you probably are).
Are you taking a photo of me? Are you telling me a hilarious joke? Are you smashing patriarchy? No? Then no, I won’t smile. My smile is an expression of my emotion, not something intended to make you happy. Telling a woman to smile is, in effect, telling her what to do with her body in order to please you.
The above tales are seemingly small expressions of man entitlement; they’re everyday examples of how women are constantly reminded that their bodies are not their own. So what does that have to do with the last example – my friend not being able to get a tattoo?
Just as some men feel entitled to tell women what to do with their bodies, parents feel entitled to their daughters’ bodies. I single out daughters specifically because, in my experience, it happens more commonly to women.
It’s creepy. I’m 18 now, nearly 19, and I’ve seen the creepiest rules being bestowed upon my peers by some of their parents. I have 19-year-old acquaintances who aren’t allowed to club. Some aren’t allowed to club in a dress. Some aren’t allowed to work. Some aren’t allowed to get tattoos or piercings. Some aren’t allowed to wear makeup. Some aren’t allowed to use birth control, despite the fact that it was recommended by a doctor. Some aren’t allowed wear tampons. Some aren’t allowed to date. Some aren’t allowed to sleep out. And most aren’t allowed to do a multitude of things that their brothers are allowed to do.
I’m pretty sure that these parents have their reasons, but when I ask most of my friends how their parents justify their ridiculous rules, I always get one of two answers. One answer is that their parents simply don’t answer. I think that’s a little bloody rude. If you’re going to restrict my bodily autonomy, be polite enough to tell me why.
Another answer is that their parents are trying to protect them. It’s a bit of a cop-out answer sometimes – protect them from what, exactly? Half of the time the things they’re restricted from aren’t that dangerous, especially not if their parents know they’re doing it.
I understand why parents would place extra emphasis on protecting their daughters – it can be scary trying to raise a young woman when the incidence of rape is so high. But this, again, feeds into the idea that the victim always has the onus of avoiding rape and other forms of abuse, instead of the attacker.
Your daughter won’t get raped if she goes clubbing. Your daughter might get raped if there is a rapist around, and this can happen absolutely everywhere. I’m not saying lock your daughters up completely, but rather, that you should accept that rape doesn’t occur because of anything victims do or don’t do, but rather because rapists exist. And also, because rape culture exists – which is, um, something you’re perpetuating right now by being an entitled, choice-restricting misogynist.
Do you put as much effort into teaching your sons not to rape as you do trying to teach your daughter not to get raped? No? Sit down.
As for tattoos and piercings, I get that a parent would be concerned about the appearance and permanence of body alterations. However, it is not you but your daughter that will have to live with her decision.
A sliver of metal in your daughter’s naval will not interfere with your life; removing her bodily autonomy will interfere with hers.
One of the worst things we can do to young women is to take their autonomy away under the guise of protecting them.
We live in a society where it’s acceptable for families and communities to have more control over a woman’s body than a woman herself – perhaps not legally, but practically.
Preventing a woman from making choices about her own body manifests itself in a variety of ways, from rape to restricted access to contraception, to catcalling or preventing young women from piercing their own bodies. The impact is varied, but it all stems from the patriarchal idea that women’s bodies are never their own.
Authors note: I’d like to thank my mom for never telling me what to do with my body. Hi, Mom.
Also, I’ve made great effort to hide the identities of my ‘acquaintances’ in this piece, so let’s just assume any similarities to the parents of people I know is purely coincidental. Especially you, Mr. Abrahams. Asshole.
Follow Sian on Twitter
Follow Women24 on Twitter and like us on Facebook.
