Your guide to successful co-parenting

Divorce comes with many challenges. The heartache of the marriage ending, getting to grips with the legal processes, the shift in your financial circumstances, and if you have young kids, custody and navigating the new world of co-parenting.

While a divorce is bound to involve some emotional turmoil for both the parents and the children, it’s important to prioritise the wellbeing of your kids, and one of the best things you can do for your child is to figure out how to co-parent effectively.

“When parents co-parent well, they create a supportive environment where the child feels loved and cared for,” says parenting coach Nozipho Mbatha. “It provides a sense of security and stability, which is essential for a child’s development, as well as for their self-esteem and self-confidence.”

If parents have started their co-parenting journey badly, it can still be fixed, says Jonathan Zeev Hoffenberg, a social worker in private practice. Divorce is an emotionally challenging time, and feelings of sadness, anger, grief and anxiety are common. These may have affected your behaviour or the decisions you made.

But it’s never too late to improve things, Hoffenberg says. “Parents who work at co-parenting better, who communicate with their children about wanting to do better, who encourage a good relationship between their children and the other parent, can repair previous periods of conflict.”

Every family’s circumstances are unique and will inform the decisions made, but these general guidelines will help to ensure you co-parent well.

A co-parenting plan should contain guidelines for decision-making and dispute resolution. (PHOTO: Gallo Images/Getty Images)

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Make your co-parenting plan as detailed as possible

A co-parenting plan that sets out the care arrangements for your child isn’t just a legal requirement – it can also make things much easier for you, especially if it is detailed.

“A co-parenting plan enables the parents to work together to raise their children, manage expectations and minimise potential conflict between them,” says Prof Madelene de Jong, a full-time mediator, parenting coordinator and divorce liquidator.

“It reduces future conflict because points of contention are discussed and a way of dealing with them is included in the parenting plan,” she says.

It should contain the contact or visitation schedule (based on the custody agreement), what happens on holidays and special occasions, each parent’s financial responsibilities, how to manage increasing costs, and should also include guidelines for decision-making and dispute resolution.

The more detailed your plan is, the better. “It can save time and money spent on litigation where there is disagreement on how the children should be raised,” De Jong says.

A parenting plan could even specify how the parents will communicate with each other, and what needs to happen to ensure good communication between the child and the parent who isn’t their primary caregiver. For example, it could state that the child will call that parent every Wednesday night to hear about school.

Co-parenting that is clear and well-coordinated ensures a consistent and predictable routine for the child, Mbatha says.

Talk to your children about what’s going to happen

Once you’ve agreed on a co-parenting plan, sit down with your child and talk them through the practical stuff they need to know about.

It will help your child adjust to their new reality if you tell them what’s going to happen, says Benoni psychologist Dr Lynette Roux.

Explain things such as which parent they’ll be with when, and what will happen during the holidays and on special occasions such as birthdays.

How you handle this discussion will depend on your child’s age and maturity level. It’s important to communicate in a way that resonates with them.

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Encourage a good relationship with the other parent

Allow your child to stay in touch with their other parent when they’re with you, particularly if you’re the primary caregiver. You should also keep any negative feelings towards the other parent out of your relationship with your child.

“Don’t trash-talk the other parent, criticise the choices of the other parent in front of your children, and ask your kids who they love more or who is better,” Hoffenberg says.

One of the challenges faced by newly separated parents starting a co-parenting journey together is anger towards the partner because of the break-up, says Claudine Ribeiro, director of the Johannesburg Parent and Child Counselling Centre.

The angry parent may buy their child a cellphone, knowing the other parent doesn’t agree, but does so to “get back at them”, Ribeiro says.

Be flexible

While a clear co-parenting plan is important, flexibility is also vital as you navigate this road together. There will be times when your child’s other parent is late for pick-ups or drop-offs, or wants to change holiday arrangements. For the sake of your own sanity, be ready with alternative plans. Be accommodating – as long as it’s not a pattern.

Plans will likely also need to be adapted as your child grows up and their needs and circumstances change – for example, when they start high school, take up a new sport or become more independent.

You also need to be aware that once you’re divorced, your ex-partner may make parenting decisions you don’t agree with. Remind yourself that there’s a difference between your preferences and your child’s needs. You may prefer that your child doesn’t eat sweet treats every day, but you might need to let it slide.

Your child’s needs, which would include things that affect their health or safety, are another matter and would need to be addressed.