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Mothers give us life – but sometimes children can give their moms the gift of life too.
And this is exactly what Desireé van der Merwe intends doing for her beloved mother, Denise Pansegrouw.
When 70-year-old Denise recently found out she needed a kidney, Desireé (49) didn’t hesitate to offer one of her own.
“I didn’t think twice. I immediately said I want to donate a kidney,” says Desireé, who lives around the corner from her mom in Kariega in the Eastern Cape.
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When friends heard of her plan, they praised her selflessness, but she considers it “a privilege rather than a sacrifice”. Yet it’s been an emotional roller coaster and Desireé tells us how she had to convince her loved ones of her decision.
“My mom didn’t want me to do it,” she says. “She felt I was making a drastic decision without thinking it through.”
Denise nods. “My greatest fear was what would happen if my daughter had to go through the same thing someday.”
But Desireé was determined and started going through tests to see if she was a suitable donor.
“And when we were told I was a close match, it was another roller coaster,” she says.
“She’s a carbon copy,” Denise says of the blood- and tissue-test results.
Denise wasn’t the only one who had reservations about her daughter becoming a donor – Desireé’s husband, Steffie, and their kids, Kevin (25) and Cortney (22), were worried and unsure.
“After my positive-match results, Cortney sent me a long WhatsApp, telling me how much she loved her gran, but urging me to reconsider because the thought of losing me was overwhelming.
“I explained her love for me was the same love I had for my mother, and I asked her to read up about the procedure because I was sure that would give her peace.
“Kevin said he wished it wasn’t necessary, but he understood why I want to do it and that he’d do the same for me in a heartbeat.”
And then there was Steffie. “We’ve been married for 28 years and we’re blessed with a great friendship and love and respect for each other. He was anxious about my decision and also asked me to reconsider.
“My answer to him was that I needed him to join me on this journey with a positive attitude.” Steffie then spoke to an acquaintance who’d donated a kidney to his brother and both men were doing well.
“That helped him to be more accepting of everything and he’ll be by my side during the whole process.”
Denise always thought she was healthy, but in retrospect she realises the danger signs had been around for a long time.
As a younger woman , there were often small traces of blood in her urine tests. “But despite several bladder exams over the years, a kidney problem was never picked up. And I never felt sick.”
Then a routine blood screening in June revealed dangerously high potassium levels and she was urgently referred to a nephrologist.
He told her that her potassium levels were “within heart-attack territory” and immediately had her admitted to the intensive-care unit of the Netcare Cuyler Hospital in Kariega.
“It was a huge shock,” says her husband, Wessel. “She was put on dialysis straight away every day for four hours at a time.”
Denise was discharged after 12 days of intensive treatment and since then has been on dialysis three times a week. She’s also on a strict diet.
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“There are few foods you’re allowed to eat,” she says. “You have to cut out everything from cheese and tomatoes to pumpkin, gem squash and bananas. You’re only allowed one slice of bread and one cup of coffee a day. And no potatoes.”
“And my mom loves chips,” Desireé says. “And cheese.”
“Yes, and pasta, toasted cheese and tomato, Coke . . . I love my food,” Denise adds.
She used to enjoy experimenting in the kitchen, but her long days on dialysis have put a stop to that.
Despite it all, Denise still works half-days as a secretary at the local church on Tuesdays and Thursdays, says a proud Wessel.
He’s retired but earns an income with his specialised turning lathe work, making small replacement parts for factory machines to keep up their crucial medical-aid contributions.
Desireé is the operations manager of a large automotive company’s customer-care centre. She says they’re still waiting on all the details about the transplant, but at this point it’s scheduled for early January at the Netcare Christiaan Barnard Memorial Hospital in Cape Town.
“I’m excited to get to that point,” she says. “I’d really love to see my mom live a normal, healthy life for the rest of her time on Earth.”
Desireé and her mom consulted nephrologists in Cape Town. “One of them asked my mom how long she’d like to enjoy her new kidney. She said five years. His reaction was that one would want more from this kidney than just five years.
She says surgery on a donor takes three to four hours, and the transplant to her mom also about four hours.
“My recovery time will be three to four days. My mom will probably spend a week and a few days in hospital.”
Desireé doesn’t believe losing one of her kidneys will change her lifestyle.
“I’ll just pick up where I left off. There’s a slight risk of hypertension, but nothing a pill can’t fix.”
Desireé trusts the transplant will greatly improve her mom’s quality of life.
“Dialysis can keep you going for years, but we believe a transplant is a better option and a living transplant like this one is the best,” she says.
Denise knows she’ll have to continue to make adjustments in her life. “The anti-rejection medication I’ll have to take will affect my immune system – I’ll have to be really careful of infections.”
But at least her diet will be less restrictive and she won’t need to be on dialysis anymore.
“We might even be able to go away for a week or two,” Wessel says. “Right now, it feels like we’re in prison.”
“I believe I can look forward to wonderful years,” Denise says. “I’ve heard from several people how drastic the change can be after a kidney transplant. I really can’t wait.”
Desireé says after their initial hesitation her husband and children are her biggest cheerleaders.
“We’re all on this life-changing journey together.
“My son is marrying his high school sweetheart next August. And knowing that my mom will be there and feel like a new person is all we want.”
