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Writing about sex in wedlock might seem a topic stretch from someone of my prolonged singular status. Some might even say an exercise in schadenfraude. But I don't take pleasure in other people's misfortunes – at least not very often anyway – and I definitely don't enjoy when I hear that people aren't getting the sex they want or need. Or any sex at all, for that matter.
And, unfortunately, I hear it a lot. The majority of the emails I get are from people who believe they're stuck in bad sex/no sex long-term partnerships or marriages.
It's not something I'm totally unfamiliar with.
By the time my last long-term relationship came to end, our sex life had degenerated to the occasional poke of the creepy hand – that half-assed, almost apologetic paw that slips over your ribs and to your boobs as a sort of non-verbal initiation of sex. It became habit, routine … we never spoke about it, this big yawn. Maybe we expected it to sort itself out. Whatever it was, it was sad, it was depressing, it was the end...
We broke up, we moved on and I swore I'd be damned if I ever found myself in that situation again.
I haven't so far, but honestly, I don't know many people who get married to someone, happy in the knowledge that sex with that person will one day come a distant second after a good book and a snooze. And yet it happens. And happens a lot.
It just won't ever happen to me. Right?
You see, I don't believe that whole 'sex doesn't last/what are you going to do when you're 80/you must find someone that will be a good father/mother/provider' yadda yadda that was handed down from one sexually frustrated generation to the next. Or at least I don't believe it's any more important than sharing good sexual chemistry with your Mr Man.
If you choose to be monogamous, physical intimacy is something you can only get from your partner. So why is it any less important than laughing and trust and understanding? (Forget him liking romcoms and shopping darling, that's what your Gfs are for.)
You must've heard that saying that goes something like 'if sex is good, it's 10% of the relationship but if sex is bad, it's 90% of the relationship'. Ne'er a truer word spoken. If you're not getting that body loving that you feel in your belly from your man, you just KNOW that it starts to breed an intimate distance that becomes a physical distance that's filled to the brim with work/bitching/bills/kids/braais/drinking/stripclubs ... while all that 'fuck you' subtext gets deeper and deeper.
Just like more sex makes you want to have more sex, no sex breeds more no sex. Apathy, not familiarity, breeds contempt.
But here's the catch. If you think you're having bad or no sex in your marriage, it isn't your partner's fault. It's yours for not opening your mouth about it. Unsatisfying sex - or no sex - in or out of a relationship is a choice. If you married someone who wasn't sexually compatible who's responsible for that? If you placed your sex life second or third behind stability, money, nice guy/girl settling syndrome how will it miraculously shift in importance when you're married?
There's no denying that talking to your partner about what you want is difficult – maybe you don't know yourself, maybe it's just a vague urge to explore, maybe you want something specific from your partner but don't want to scare them or hurt their feelings – but if you can't talk about this, then I think your problems run even deeper than bad sex.
Like this married guy that mailed me once about his dire sex life. He had tried everything – he cooked, he cleaned, he did the romantic dinners, he did the weekends away, the gifts, the candlelit baths, he did everything to make his wife feel sensual and wanted... but still no give. I eventually told him to tell her straight that he was unhappy and that she was behaving like a brat. His answer? Oh heavens no! She'd divorce him!
Problems much?
Anyway, the reason I reckon I'll never find myself in that position is that I believe that 10% is important enough to work for, to talk about and to explore as legitimately as all those other relationship goodies like friendship, trust and money matters.
But I could be wrong. After all, I'm not married, don't have kids and the biggest acquisition I've made so far is still my car. So. What do you think?
Is sex and sexual compatibility all that important in a marriage? Or does Dot have her priorities in a twist?
Follow Dorothy on Twitter here.
Read her blog here.
And, unfortunately, I hear it a lot. The majority of the emails I get are from people who believe they're stuck in bad sex/no sex long-term partnerships or marriages.
It's not something I'm totally unfamiliar with.
By the time my last long-term relationship came to end, our sex life had degenerated to the occasional poke of the creepy hand – that half-assed, almost apologetic paw that slips over your ribs and to your boobs as a sort of non-verbal initiation of sex. It became habit, routine … we never spoke about it, this big yawn. Maybe we expected it to sort itself out. Whatever it was, it was sad, it was depressing, it was the end...
We broke up, we moved on and I swore I'd be damned if I ever found myself in that situation again.
I haven't so far, but honestly, I don't know many people who get married to someone, happy in the knowledge that sex with that person will one day come a distant second after a good book and a snooze. And yet it happens. And happens a lot.
It just won't ever happen to me. Right?
You see, I don't believe that whole 'sex doesn't last/what are you going to do when you're 80/you must find someone that will be a good father/mother/provider' yadda yadda that was handed down from one sexually frustrated generation to the next. Or at least I don't believe it's any more important than sharing good sexual chemistry with your Mr Man.
If you choose to be monogamous, physical intimacy is something you can only get from your partner. So why is it any less important than laughing and trust and understanding? (Forget him liking romcoms and shopping darling, that's what your Gfs are for.)
You must've heard that saying that goes something like 'if sex is good, it's 10% of the relationship but if sex is bad, it's 90% of the relationship'. Ne'er a truer word spoken. If you're not getting that body loving that you feel in your belly from your man, you just KNOW that it starts to breed an intimate distance that becomes a physical distance that's filled to the brim with work/bitching/bills/kids/braais/drinking/stripclubs ... while all that 'fuck you' subtext gets deeper and deeper.
Just like more sex makes you want to have more sex, no sex breeds more no sex. Apathy, not familiarity, breeds contempt.
But here's the catch. If you think you're having bad or no sex in your marriage, it isn't your partner's fault. It's yours for not opening your mouth about it. Unsatisfying sex - or no sex - in or out of a relationship is a choice. If you married someone who wasn't sexually compatible who's responsible for that? If you placed your sex life second or third behind stability, money, nice guy/girl settling syndrome how will it miraculously shift in importance when you're married?
There's no denying that talking to your partner about what you want is difficult – maybe you don't know yourself, maybe it's just a vague urge to explore, maybe you want something specific from your partner but don't want to scare them or hurt their feelings – but if you can't talk about this, then I think your problems run even deeper than bad sex.
Like this married guy that mailed me once about his dire sex life. He had tried everything – he cooked, he cleaned, he did the romantic dinners, he did the weekends away, the gifts, the candlelit baths, he did everything to make his wife feel sensual and wanted... but still no give. I eventually told him to tell her straight that he was unhappy and that she was behaving like a brat. His answer? Oh heavens no! She'd divorce him!
Problems much?
Anyway, the reason I reckon I'll never find myself in that position is that I believe that 10% is important enough to work for, to talk about and to explore as legitimately as all those other relationship goodies like friendship, trust and money matters.
But I could be wrong. After all, I'm not married, don't have kids and the biggest acquisition I've made so far is still my car. So. What do you think?
Is sex and sexual compatibility all that important in a marriage? Or does Dot have her priorities in a twist?
Follow Dorothy on Twitter here.
Read her blog here.
