When shouting, screaming and sulking won't bring him back

We admit that sometimes our petty jealousy may have gotten in the way of us finally walking down the aisle one day and our biggest regret is the last time we were caught snooping through his phone.

Now he is back at his place and your bed is cold and empty again and you so regret accusing him of flirting with his hairdresser.

The straw that broke the camel’s back is scarily similar to the last straw that broke The Ex’s back when you hacked into his social media account and confronted him about still having feelings for his high-school sweetheart.

It was clear! You could see how happy they looked together. The fact that he hadn’t seen her in over ten years and that she’s happily married with a husband and two children in New Zealand, did nothing to persuade you otherwise.

He naturally left after this “psychotic attack” on his character and you were left heartbroken.

After hundreds of litres of red wine, hours on the phone to your girlfriends, a million MB wasted on bandwidth on internet investigations into his social whereabouts and with-abouts plus the petrol wasted on patrolling his neighbourhood, you had finally moved on and were wonderfully in love with Patrick – a guy you met at gym.

Well, this was of course until the hairdresser fiasco which left you exactly where you were before the wine, phone calls, internet abuse and suburb-stalking. Heartbroken.

So, before you start repeating the same pattern of spiralling out of control in tracing his every move post the breakup, let’s rather revert the focus back to ourselves and put things into perspective.

No amount of wine we consume in weeping over him, or unauthorised use of company internet we use to research him would ever change what he does or wants to do.

It won’t stop him, discourage him or even change him so what is the point if not to humiliate, embarrass or hurt ourselves?  He’s moved on. It’s over.

We will just have to live with it. Live with it – HAPPILY and that is up to us to achieve. As the famous Invictus poem teaches us:

‘I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul’

We need to take control of our emotions and actions and take responsibility for the consequences of these.

Shouting, screaming, sulking and starving over suggestions that he had stepped out of line and the quest to catch him out is a far cry from having a blissful, healthy relationship or existence.

If our frequent insecurities, sensitivities and suspicions are constantly derailing our relationships, maybe the answer is within us and not within-HIM.

Is it really that earthshattering that he stayed for a beer after work?

When he told us the joke that a female colleague told him, could we not just have laughed instead of launching into the Spanish Inquisition about what she looks like and how much she weighs?

The way he hugged his best friend’s fiancé for a second too long. Was that an absolute sign of disrespect towards us? Did we have to remind him that this proves without a shadow of a doubt that he will be a cheater one day?

Could we not just have accepted his reason for being late was because the robots on Rivonia were all out? (They still are, just by the way).

If constant accusations lead to nothing but the self-sabotage of our relationships, why do we keep doing it? Is it that hard for us to control our emotions, thoughts and actions?

Let’s think about it carefully. There are only two ways to look at this. Your suspicions are either accurate or they’re not.

And through pestering him about these you may either get an honest answer or you won’t.

Now, if we can accept these facts we can hopefully make a conscious decision to embrace and deal with our relationships in a happy and healthy way;

If you have reason to doubt someone because of real acts of betrayal that they have committed, why even bother getting all Magnum PI on them?

He’s already let you down. Write a whole new plot and story with a brand new character where you don’t have to Macgyver yourself every Friday night to find out what the truth is. There are oh so many other things you’d rather do with your time.

I hear the new Sex and the City series is coming out.

And if the poor man has done absolutely nothing to deserve your mistrust, why don’t we stop blaming him for imaginary acts just because some other man has strayed in the past.

Contrary to popular belief I can assure you that not “all of them” are the same. Give him, and yourself, a chance to love, be happy, and enjoy the moment.

I know I’m getting all cheesy on you now but allow yourself to Love Like You’ve Never Been Hurt.

The same way we can guide our lives in such a way that will navigate us successfully through this life through studying, working long hours or fostering important relationships.

The same way we should regulate and restrict our thoughts and emotions from becoming a runaway train of insecurities, suspicions or accusations in our romantic bonds.

We can control what we allow ourselves to be and become and we need to stop ourselves before our seemingly innocent obsessions become something more.

Who knows where things may lead?

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