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Partners
- Psychologist Dr Nombuso Gama says social media can cause problems in relationships.
- This usually happens when there are insecurities or other underlying issues in the relationship.
- She stresses that posting could also be a sinister motive, especially in the hands of manipulative personalities such as narcissists.
Social media has changed how we relate. Rules to abide by and expectations are often unrealistic and unwarranted, many of which ruin relationships.
"Why don't you ever post me?" or "Why don't you ever want to take pictures with me?" are some of the questions causing friction in relationships. As petty as it may sound, this has deeper roots.
Psychologist Dr Nombuso Gama says social media has redefined many aspects of our lives, including how we enjoy and what we expect from our relationships. While personal reasons may vary for choosing to or not to post on, it is usually driven by our underlying attachment wounds.
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"Our attachment wounds play out in the patterns we attach to our partners. Therefore, the decision to post or not is even about that partner, but it's an internal battle that the individual struggles with."
Dr Nombuso shares that some people may struggle with internal conflict in their decision to post or not, adding that while there is no one-size-fits-all answer - the question boils down to your WHY.
Reasons people opt not to share pictures of their partners
"The underlying answer to this is the fear of abandonment. It is just that this fear plays out differently for the partner who overshares and the one who chooses not to," Dr Bubu says.
FEAR
Fear 1-For the partner that desires to post/ be posted could be:
A desire for external validation. They believe posting serves as security and proof that their partner is committed to the relationship. This is because, at their core, this person fears abandonment and thus relies on performative ways of showing love and commitment. They also think that, by posting their partner, the world can see that the relationship is going well. This is why they usually over-post their relationship details as well.
Fear 2 for the partner that desires privacy:
They also fear abandonment, but their fear is more about guarding themselves. They fear vulnerability because vulnerability comes with the possibility of abandonment. So their subconscious preoccupation with a relationship is to reduce the prospects of abandonment. Thus, they don’t post about their partner because they are usually emotionally detached from the relationship. They fear putting themselves in a vulnerable position like that; because what if the relationship doesn’t work out?
NOT SO INNOCENT
"But, of course, the decision to keep things private could not be as deep as the reasoning above. It could be something sinister such as infidelity, keeping options open, not loving your partner to the extent of flaunting them etc."
Dr Nombuso stresses that posting could also have a sinister motive, especially in the hands of manipulative personalities such as narcissists.
"A desire for external validation drives narcissists to portray their best image. Posting a relationship falls under this cluster. So they will over post their partner to curate that perfect image and get their followers' validation that the relationship is going well. They will do this while secretly abusing and invalidating their partner behind closed doors."
ADVICE FOR COUPLES
"There's more to our behaviour than meets the eye. It is important to investigate each other's 'why' without invalidating them. Reach a comfortable compromise. For instance, it could be that you want your partner to post you because you were wounded by another partner who was nonchalant about you, and now you are projecting this wounding to your current partner."
In some instances, couples may need therapy to work through underlying issues, such as infidelity in the relationship, that makes one think posting is proof of their commitment.
She adds: "Your hyper-vigilance is a sign that your relationship needs to be built internally. Thus, they also need to make an effort here because this is their partner's love language. They should also entertain the idea that their partner is hyper-vigilant because they don’t feel emotionally intimate with them (i.e. the partner is closed off)."
