'Why my partner and I are discussing my ring before our engagement'

• My partner and I want to get engaged in a year or so, and we've openly discussed what I want my ring to look like. 
• I don't want to be unhappy with my ring as I have a unique sense of taste.
• He's still going to figure out the perfect romantic way to propose, but he knows not to ambush me in the middle of a busy restaurant or hot air balloon. 

Often, and usually in heterosexual couples, one partner decides to propose with a ring that he's figured his future bride will like, or they've been getting advice from a best friend who has been sneakily asking the bride to be what she likes, etc. In my opinion, it's a tiresome, dated experience.

My partner and I want to get engaged in a year or so, and we've discussed openly that we plan to do so and what I want my ring to look like. The proposal will still be a surprise, but the idea that he wants to marry me shouldn't be, and neither should a ring that I intend to wear for the rest of my life. Here's why my partner and I are discussing my ring before our engagement.

I don't want to be unhappy with my ring as I have a unique sense of taste, and my partner and I are of the mind that every decision we make should be an open discussion, especially marriage, but also, the ring that I'm going to wear as a symbol of our commitment to each other. I'm very particular about the things I wear, and I prefer certainty over suspense in all aspects of my life.

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It makes sense for me to be a part of this decision. 

I had this thought for a while, but then I read Talia Ergas' piece for HuffPost, titled I Chose My Own Engagement Ring, And It Was The Best Decision Ever, and it confirmed to me that this was a discussion I should have with my partner. 

As Ergas says in her piece: "Modern weddings and the events surrounding them break from tradition and historic gender roles in so many ways. And for many couples headed towards marriage, the fact that an engagement is coming isn't a surprise — they've talked about it to some extent. If you're discussing getting engaged, why not talk about the ring, too? Why should there be any shame in wanting a say in a (very expensive) piece of jewellery you're supposed to wear for the rest of your existence?"

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I agree completely with this. My boyfriend and I are very in love. We know that this is endgame and that we want to be together until we're old and can't remember each other's names anymore. We know we want to get married. We've had many discussions around it and what that would be like, whether we're going to change our names (we'd either keep our names now or go double barrel) and even the colours we'd like for our wedding day. 

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So why should my ring be something we don't discuss? Why should I tell my sister that I'd like a round cut instead of a princess cut? Or that the ring should be white gold and not platinum? So that she can go behind my back and tell my boyfriend my preferences, and I can play dumb? How is any of that romantic?

My boyfriend, bless his beautiful soul, has ADHD and often gets overwhelmed with too many choices and what he *thinks* people expect of him. How could I let my sweet love look at the millions of ring designs and choices there are out there and ask him to make an uninformed choice or make it the job of one of my best friends to guide him?

So, we had a discussion, and I told him that when the time is right, I'd like a ring with my birthstone that is simple but beautiful and not exorbitantly expensive. I saw the relief on his face when I showed him pictures as examples of the kind of ring I'd like and places he could start looking. 

He's still going to figure out the perfect romantic way to propose and what he'll say at that important moment, but he knows not to ambush me in the middle of a busy restaurant, surrounded by strangers, or in a hot air balloon. 

I feel happy knowing that my partner and I are on the same level and connected enough to know that the romance of a proposal shouldn't be the ring but the moment itself.