Publications
Partners
- One of the worst — and sometimes surprising — feelings in the world is being cheated on.
- Those who are referred to as "the other woman" are rarely given the opportunity to tell their stories.
- Twenty-nine-year-old Sarah* and 32-year-old Jody* tell their stories.
What do Angelina Jolie, Claire Danes and LeAnn Rimes have in common? They've all been rumoured to be the "other woman", providing on-the-side action for seemingly happy, married or attached men.
Widely publicised, the outcomes of their alleged affairs were similar, with all three nabbing their taken men for themselves - at least for now. But while celebrity "other women" are often known as sexy seductresses, in reality, it can be a very messy affair.
So what motivates a girl to sleep with a guy who's already taken?
Twenty-nine-year-old Sarah* has been having an affair with a married man for almost two years after meeting at a client function. Although she knew he had a partner and was committed, she couldn't resist the spark between them.
"Although I don't really like the idea that he wakes up beside another woman, there is a certain appeal that I won't be forced to make any decisions in regard to my own relationship," she says.
READ MORE | What if an affair could be the start of a necessary conversation about sex and intimacy for couples?
Sarah says she didn't set out to sleep with another woman's husband, but admits it adds to the excitement.
"He brings something extra to my life. He makes me feel sexy and free of my normal day-to-day responsibilities," she says.
She admits she's fallen in love with him but doesn't expect - or even want - him to leave his wife, and plans to continue leading her double life.
"I feel both happy and miserable, and fulfilled and unfulfilled, all at the same time."
But none of that misery is linked to guilt or concern for the man's legal other half.
"I don't really feel sorry for his partner; I don't think she gives him what he needs. But I keep it separate in my mind anyway. I think human beings are capable of loving more than one person in their lifetime for different reasons."
Relationships councillor Susan de Campo says many women justify affairs this way, by blaming the wife but not all women have the same agenda when going after married men. While some, like Sarah, enjoy the emotional distance a taken man provides - you get the sex, the gifts and the compliments without having to do their dirty washing - others simply like the challenge.
"I think women who have felt powerless really enjoy the feeling of strength and contentment when they win the contest'," De Campo says. "Having a man fall for their powers of seduction can be like a personal victory."
READ MORE | 'Marry me… or else' - Is issuing an ultimatum the solution to challenging situations?
Then there are those who are just desperate for the attention that cheaters often give.
"If a woman's lacking affection, then any man showing her attention and love will be appealing," says De Campo. "A woman may believe that the guy genuinely loves her and will, one day, leave his wife for her."
Whatever the reason, women who date committed men have a reputation for being troublemakers and are often cited as the cause of marriage break-ups. But love coach Carolin Dahlman says these women are not to blame.
"I think many point to them, but that's just shooting the messenger," she says. "The problem was there before, and when it wasn't solved, the mistress came into the picture." Some "other women" claim to be the real victims, blaming the cheating husband squarely.
'We were the Romeo and Juliet couple'
Infamous for allegedly sleeping with Sandra Bullock's husband Jesse James, tattoo model Michelle "Bombshell" McGee says there's no appeal in going after someone who's married.
"It's the man's responsibility to say no to other women approaching them," she says. "They're the ones who took the vows and are in a marriage." Michelle doesn't consider herself a mistress and believes she's as much a victim of Jesse's as Sandra was.
Regardless of excuses, women like Michelle receive little sympathy from cheated-on wives. "There's no better word than 'whore'," says Jody*, 32. "It's one of the most selfish and insecure acts a woman can perform."
READ MORE | Partnering up can help you grow as an individual – here's the psychology of a romantic relationship
Jody, who has two children with her soon-to-be ex-husband - who she nursed through cancer - discovered his affair after his friend sent a text message arranging a cover-up to her phone by mistake.
"I never would've picked in a million years that he'd cheat - we were the Romeo and Juliet couple ... or so I thought." After 10 years together, Jody was devastated to find out she'd previously met the woman - an art student of her husband's.
"I was livid to learn that a woman who had been in my home was sleeping with my husband."
After becoming aware of his terrible secret, she confronted her husband, who admitted the affair and promised to end it. She also called the other woman and asked her to leave her man alone.
"But he juggled us for 14 months in total," Jody says. "So I dumped his belongings and clothes on her front lawn, stood on his expensive suits, yelled at her through the window, took a photo of it all and sent it to his iPhone."
READ MORE | Are you ready for love, or just in need of company to curb your loneliness?
After a few big nights and a rebound fling, Jody has come to terms with the end of her marriage, but says the affair left her traumatised and heartbroken for her children, who are now living without their father.
"In the end, he left her. She's now sad, and he's in such a bad way because I didn't take him back. My kids are distraught, and I'm left telling this story," she says.
While she ultimately blames her husband for destroying their marriage, Jody has this advice for those thinking about taking up with a married man: "Go and find your own guy to play with. Leave another woman's partner alone - he's already taken!"
*Names have been changed.
Credit: aremediasyndication.com.au/magazinefeatures.co.za
