HE’S ALREADY MARRIED

Question

I’m 37 years old and dating a married man. After my husband died I thought I’d never date again. I mourned him for two years but then I met this 50-year-old guy. We’ve been dating for a year now and he’s a loving, caring man.

I recently met his wife at a church concert and she was bragging about how loyal her husband is to her and that he’d never cheat.

He has said he’d like to make me his second wife but now I’m confused by his wife’s behaviour. It doesn’t sound like she’d be happy if he took a second wife. I love him and he’s a great father figure to my kids so I don’t want to lose him.

I recently became pregnant with his baby but miscarried and now he gives me even more attention than before. This makes me worried his wife will find out about us. The worst of it is I’m a counsellor who’s supposed to be there for others and now I’m destroying a relationship. What should I do?

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Answer

As a professional counsellor there are guidelines and ethics you should follow and stick to. You risk a lot if you break these so keep that in mind. You need to look at this situation and put yourself in her shoes.

If your husband was still alive, how would you feel if he was doing the same thing your lover is doing? I’m sure you can do better than falling for someone who can never be completely yours. It’s such a waste of your time and energy to focus on a relationship like this.

You will be better off without him and you know it – from what you say you have a feeling his promises of marriage won’t materialise. Not only are you destroying a marriage, you’re also ruining your chances of finding a suitable person for yourself. Cut your losses and move on.

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UNWELCOME LOVE CHILD

Question

My husband recently passed away and I’ve since found out that he fathered a child outside our marriage. Now the child’s family wants to introduce my child to the love child. I don’t want to be part of his life and I don’t want to complicate my child’s life as he’s still mourning his dad and he’s only nine years old. What should I do?

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Answer

Condolences for your loss. The family cannot force you to do something you don’t want to do. If your husband had wanted his children to know each other I’m sure he would have found a way to introduce you and your child to his love child.

I wonder why the child’s family is only insisting on this now that your husband is gone. You need to tread carefully.

Introducing your child to his half-sibling at this crucial time when he’s still trying to come to terms with the loss of his father can cause emotional turmoil. It’s not a good idea. You must also bear in mind that there are certain things a young mind can comprehend and certain things that might confuse him. Now may not be the best time for your child to deal with such a complicated matter.

If the children want to get to know each other it should happen when they’re both old enough to understand what happened. Doing this now might also affect your son’s opinion of his father. Make the right decision for you and your son