Publications
Partners
I have a few of those stashed away in my past. You know what I mean, don’t you? They pop up and trying to suppress them is like stuffing a marshmallow into a slot machine!
But what if we had the courage to tell our stories? Here’s one of mine:
When I was about 23, I decided to terminate a pregnancy. The guy didn't want to marry me. He didn't love me at all, and looking back, I doubt I loved him either.
The relationship was toxic and we were very bad for each other. I can’t even say we dated. It was sex and pretending to be friends. (I won’t go into how psycho I was back then either!)
I deliberately got pregnant to try to force him to love me. (Yes, that’s how twisted I was.) There were many reasons I choose to abort; I didn't want to end up like my mom, I was emotionally unstable etc. To this day, I can’t decide if it was the right decision or not. All I know is that my life was changed forever. I was changed as a person.
The foetus came down on a sunny Sunday morning and when I removed my tampon, there it was... just a blob with a tiny dark string which I could see was the umbilical cord forming. And it hit me then, what I had done: the choice I had made, the self-destructive decisions I had made that had led up to that moment.
I sat with it in my hand for over an hour and begged God to let me go back and change my decision. I remember thinking that if I could only keep it warm, it would live and I would be forgiven for my sin. The "father" eventually took it away and disposed of it and that should have been the end. But it was only the beginning for me.
I dreamt of crying babies and blood. I became even more psycho than I was before as I sank into a depression of note.
I am now 38, and there is a chance that I will never marry or have kids and occasionally I'm haunted by that Sunday, by the little blob of nothingness that represented everything I’d ever wanted. And so I have learnt to live with it but when a friend announces a pregnancy, I shrink back into myself. When people talk about babies or abortion, I withdraw from the conversation.
I live with regret.
I am not condemning anyone who has had an abortion. I am also not trying to start a religious or moral debate. I am sharing my heart in the hopes that someone out there will connect with my story and know that they are not alone in their pain. I am at a stage of my life where I am looking back, trying to use my past as a stepping stone to something better.
Our stories need to be told, whether they are happy or horrific. Imagine what it would be like if we could all speak out without fear of judgement or rejection, if we dared to be transparent. Imagine how the world would be changed, if we were able to raise our voices and tell our stories, no matter how shameful they are.
Follow Women24 on Twitter and like us on Facebook.
