These 4 couples talk about how often they have sex and why it matters

• Four couples share the bedroom secrets which keep their sex lives alive. 
• Even though sexual intimacy for couples is significant, discussions around it are often shrouded in secrecy.
• Sexual intimacy helps drive emotions, strengthens trust, and creates lasting memories.
  

Intimacy is an important part of human relationships, whether it is romantic or not.

Sexual intimacy helps drive emotions, strengthens trust, and creates lasting memories with your partner(s). But, even though sexual intimacy for couples is significant, discussions around it are not frequent and often shrouded in secrecy.

We often make assumptions about what sex is supposed to look like in a healthy relationship or how often everyone else is having sex, but there are many factors which affect how couples communicate sexually. From societal expectations and cultural norms to individual preferences, psychological well-being, and physical health, there are lots of reasons why everyone isn't having as much (or little) sex as you think.

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Here, four couples share their bedroom secrets:

'We like foreplay more'

Amira*, 34, and her husband, 35, have been together for over eight years. Initially, they had sex quite often and even named the bedroom in their first house 'the f@#k lair'. "The walls were painted a trashy dark maroon that contributed to the whole brothel feel," she laughs.

"We were in our experimental phase here, so we tried all sorts of bizarre/kinky things and enjoyed how we both were game for anything. I guess we had a lot more energy then too," says Amira.

"About two or three years in, we started finding so much more comfort and intimacy in just cuddling or holding each other. Massages, pampering, kissing, showing appreciation, etc," says Amira, who highlights that they enjoy the intimacy more than penetrative sex.

She adds:  

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'My definition of sex has changed'

"We've been together three years and, at the beginning of the relationship, I had an emergency surgery around my vagina and it made sex suddenly quite scary for me," says Emily*, 28. "It went from multiple times daily to almost once a month."

"Now, my definition of sex has changed, so while we might not have penetrative sex all that often (sometimes multiple times in a week, but sometimes not for three weeks) we have oral or manual sex probably once a week on average," says Emily, whose partner is 40 years old.

"I think we would both like it to be more frequent, but life happens. Our weeks are super busy and sometimes the weekend isn't an option either, so when I realise it's been a while, I have to try not feel bad about it," she says.

'It's about comfort and intimacy'

Adam*, 45, has been with his partner for 19 years. He says sex has changed quite a bit over the nearly two decades they've been together.

"In our 20s, it was every second day. In our 30s, it was twice a week. Now, in our 40s, it's once a week," he says. "It's not that we have grown any less fond of one another - it's just that underlying factor of the need for it has changed."

Adam says, when they were in their 20s, they wanted to have sex more often as a show of love.

"In our 30s, it became more about the quality of sex and less about quantity. In our 40s, it now feels more about comfort and intimacy and getting to the point. You don't feel the need to hold out forever, like a porn star anymore. If you cum, you cum and reciprocate," says Adam.

Adam also points out that he still finds time to masturbate on his own as "sometimes you also just want it to be about you and no one else".

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'One time was in a club bathroom'

Itumeleng*, 29, and her partner, 34, have been together for seven years and have been parents for four years.

"In the beginning, it was like a whirlwind. The day after we met, I was at his house and we spent the whole weekend together doing the things," she laughs. "Every time we would go out, we would find crazy places to go and do the deed. One time was in a club bathroom."

Then, when Itumeleng fell pregnant, things changed as she wasn't always comfortable in her body or often in the mood. "It got a bit worse after I had our daughter, but I tried about six weeks after her birth, but everything was dry and it was uncomfortable."

"Only now, four years later am I starting to feel myself come back. I feel a bit sexier. I'm initiating a bit more," says Itumeleng, who says she and her partner have sex five times in a "good week" and once or twice in a "bad week", but it used to be every day.

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She says that having a child has opened the idea to "alternative places" in their home or even when they're on holiday.

"There's a five-year age gap, so he's a little bit more experienced than I am. So that also plays a role as the things that I now know was taught to me by the longest sexual partner I have ever or will probably ever have, and that can be scary because I don't know what's on the other side. So, sometimes, I think about that," says Itumeleng. 

Not their real names*