We know the person isn’t right for us but the sex is so fantastic, it’s difficult to walk away.
Why is sex sometimes so irresistible in a twosome that doesn’t work in any other way? Incredible highs followed by crashing lows.
Wanting someone so badly you can’t think about anything else. Only happy when you’re with them because the intensity of feeling is so strong – but when they’re gone, you’re utterly crushed, useless and unable to function.
Think that sounds like love?
Many of us fall for this idea of love. A lust so strong, we’re sure they’re 'The One'. How can they not be when the sex is so fantastic, so compelling, so all-encompassing?
But if you subtract the sexual side of some relationships you realise that, actually, there isn’t much else going on then it’s hardly love, is it? And yet many of us – men as well – fall into the trap of thinking great sex must mean a great relationship.
Most relationships start with a sexual charge – whether you actually have sex or not.
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The essence of fancying someone is chemically induced – you’re literally reacting to each other’s pheromones, a kind of sexual calling card we’re not consciously aware of but which we unknowingly transmit.
We keep going back for more, and then eventually one of two things usually happens. The lust wears off and something deeper and more meaningful takes its place – warmth, friendship, companionship, high regard, deep affection. (Yes, we’re talking lurrve.)
Or the lust wears off and we walk away with perhaps a smile on our face, a happy nothing more. The relationship didn’t progress to the next stage.
But in some relationships, neither of these things happen. You go on having fantastic sex and you have a deep longing to be with that person’s body – though not, if you’re honest, with their mind.
The lust never dies, and the love never takes over. You become caught in a relationship that’s forever stuck in the first few weeks – the skip of heart when the phone rings (or doesn’t), the overpowering sense of longing, the loss of appetite, the thrill, the excitement, the downs, the awful lows when you aren’t together.
If you think that sounds like the kind of relationship some women settle for when they date a married man, you’re right on the money.
You never feel like he’s yours unless you’re in bed with him. But these kinds of relationships aren’t necessarily with men who belong with another – just men who aren’t available.
The guy who doesn’t respect you in the morning but looks like Trey Songs, the guy who looks like Morris Chestnut but has an empty head, the gangster, the cheat.
Anyone who treats you cruelly but who you can’t leave alone.
You get a glimpse of what you truly need: someone who can fill all your inner emptiness, not just your sexual desire, but you never get more than great sex, and eventually, it’s like a drug.
The more you have, the more you want, and the less satisfied you feel.
Robin Norwood, a therapist and author of Women Who Love Too Much, says it’s precisely because these men are unavailable for a committed relationship that there is such passion.
We equate passion with suffering and the more we suffer from wanting someone we can never have, the more passionate the sex is.
Perhaps this is the only time you really feel you’re with him. The rest of the time you make explanations. You can always tell if a woman is seeing a wrong guy because she spends her life explaining.
He’s busy. He can’t cope with social functions. He needs space. It’s only when he’s lying beside you that you have any evidence the relationship exists at all. And yet these kinds of relationships can fire our imagination much more than a properly committed one.
Sex therapist Angela Martin sees many women who say they’ve gone off sex once a relationship gets serious.
“After all that uncertainty, you’re now sure of someone. And what happens? The sex becomes boring. It loses that excitement and danger.”
Why does this happen to so many women?
“Somewhere along the line, you’ve absorbed the message that women have to work hard to win their man by being attractive and good in bed. Once you’ve succeeded, there’s no need to try anymore,” says Martin.
This hard work isn’t for establishing growing intimacy and commitment, but a struggle to make him want you. The buzz you feel isn’t sexual, it’s emotional.
Many women put their sexual needs on hold in the attempt to satisfy their partners, so what they might think of as great sex isn’t really at all. It’s just a battle they’re trying to win.
Making love with the wrong guy carries such a sexual charge, few women are immune. Whenever women’s magazines run articles about the allure of the bastard, letters pour in.
“This kind of loving is actually rather immature. It’s a purely physical attraction. The best sex doesn’t happen with someone who treats you badly but in long-term relationships with mutual caring and support,” says psychosexual therapist Sue Wood.
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“In fact, women who constantly go for bad men but have great sex with them are scared by the prospect of genuine closeness,” she adds.
Counselling can help uncover the unconscious reasons some women have for finding distant men attractive.
“Maybe a woman tried to win the love of a father who was distant and, without realising it, is transferring that need on to her sexual partners,” says Martin.
Whatever your reasons, if you have great sex only with bad guys, your relationships will leave you feeling used and unfulfilled.
But you don’t have to rush to the nearest therapist’s couch. A few stern words from genuinely well-meaning friends or family members can give you the kick you need to get away and realise you deserve better. We all do.
As any sex expert and many happily married women will tell you, the raunchiest sex isn’t with someone who doesn’t give a damn about you, but with someone who cares as much for your mind as your body. Someone who knows your dreams, your hopes and your disappointments as well.
The best sex can only happen with someone you trust completely. When you find that, you’re freer than ever to explore your greatest sexual fantasies and really let go. And then you’ll see all those Mr Wrongs for what they truly are.
