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My ex blames me for his abuse, you blame me for the abuse, my response to that is:
It’s natural.
It is difficult to acknowledge that someone we love and respect has perpetrated horrific acts of violence on another person.
It was difficult for me to acknowledge that it was happening while it was happening, so of course, it would be difficult for you outside of the relationship, while you personally witness the abuse to reconcile that he, a person who seems very mild-mannered and nice, could brutally abuse me in so many ways.
It is easier for you to blame me, to think that I must have done SOMETHING to set him off, to think that I am exaggerating the severity of what happened somehow, or to think that I am lying because like you said “she's crazy, malicious and revenge-seeking”.
It is also easier to think there is a gray area, that this is an issue between the couple, that all couples have problems.
Mr. X and I had problems. I was not the perfect victim who just silently accepted all of the things he told me. I yelled back. I criticised.
I tried to fight back physically once, and I discovered that my strength was no measure for his. I discovered that I was weak when he held me down by my wrists. So effortless for him. I was pinned like a butterfly to a board.
He looked in my eyes for an extended pause, then he would laugh just to SHOW ME HOW powerless I was.
But because I tried to fight back, he can now say, "She abused me too."
If I had the strength to fight back and WIN, I would have.
I am not the perfect victim. I am not a martyr.
Here's the thing: I am flawed and imperfect, but I didn't deserve to be humiliated, emotionally and physically abused. All of the accountability for that falls on him.
I am flawed and imperfect, but I am blameless in the abuse because there is no blame that can justify abuse.
I am flawed and imperfect, and I am not blameless in other ways. I can list to you all of the ways in which I wasn't always the best girlfriend to him but it doesn't matter. He wasn't allowed to abuse me.
One of Mr. X’s friends, whose intentions where good but who also doesn't seem to understand the dynamics of domestic violence, has asked me why I stayed when things got unsafe and off course why did I go as far as to report him at the police?
Am I trying to screw up his life?
Here it is then, instead of waiting for me to come to you, you should have asked if something is wrong, you blamed me. Rather showed concern as you were aware of what was going on.
No matter how many times I pushed his buttons in your eyes it never gave him the right to trough me across a kitchen floor.
Instead of pressurising me into drop the charges and blaming me you should listened to my cries for help. You place conditions on your support; where was the support I needed from you?
Questioning my behaviour would not have stopped his violence. You don’t understand that this is victim blaming.
The only way to deal with a man's violence is to ask him why, or why he did whatever violent thing he did, and then to give him clear societal consequences for that violence, which you’re not doing; and that makes you just as guilty.
Mr. X has not acknowledged what he's done, and you remained his friend, then you have inadvertently endorsed his behavior.
Abusive men love neutrality and silence. It tells them that they can get away with anything.
People who know Mr. X was abusive and that he abused me treat him like he's a great guy.
To those of you who are showing Mr. X that his violence against me really didn't matter, that he was justified in it, that it wasn't such a big deal for him to have abused me, that there is gray area, that maybe I deserved it:
That's how I, the victim, ends up being blamed and under constant “victim blaming”, because Mr. X, the perpetrator, knows it doesn't matter, that he will always have the support of his blind propagandists.
In the end I need to stress that I left because I knew we were silently killing each other; I left because I had a child to think off.
I left because I loved myself enough to know that I am meant for greater things in life other than being constantly put down and made feel inadequate.
I am worth more than that. My child deserved better than growing up in an unhealthy home. My son deserved to have a happy home.
When I was publicly humiliated on social media sites, I kept quiet.
When I was yelled at by his family and friends in public areas, I still kept quiet.
I won’t be dragged down to that level. If I didn’t make a stand against the abuse he would have just done it to the next girl that came along. The abuse wasn’t a once off thing, it happened to the girl before me and I now wish I had listened back then to all the warnings, but I kept myself blind and deaf to all of it.
Stop blaming the victim and decide what you are to the victim and enemy or a friend because in the end, what will hurt the most is not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
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It’s natural.
It is difficult to acknowledge that someone we love and respect has perpetrated horrific acts of violence on another person.
It was difficult for me to acknowledge that it was happening while it was happening, so of course, it would be difficult for you outside of the relationship, while you personally witness the abuse to reconcile that he, a person who seems very mild-mannered and nice, could brutally abuse me in so many ways.
It is easier for you to blame me, to think that I must have done SOMETHING to set him off, to think that I am exaggerating the severity of what happened somehow, or to think that I am lying because like you said “she's crazy, malicious and revenge-seeking”.
It is also easier to think there is a gray area, that this is an issue between the couple, that all couples have problems.
Mr. X and I had problems. I was not the perfect victim who just silently accepted all of the things he told me. I yelled back. I criticised.
I tried to fight back physically once, and I discovered that my strength was no measure for his. I discovered that I was weak when he held me down by my wrists. So effortless for him. I was pinned like a butterfly to a board.
He looked in my eyes for an extended pause, then he would laugh just to SHOW ME HOW powerless I was.
But because I tried to fight back, he can now say, "She abused me too."
If I had the strength to fight back and WIN, I would have.
I am not the perfect victim. I am not a martyr.
Here's the thing: I am flawed and imperfect, but I didn't deserve to be humiliated, emotionally and physically abused. All of the accountability for that falls on him.
I am flawed and imperfect, but I am blameless in the abuse because there is no blame that can justify abuse.
I am flawed and imperfect, and I am not blameless in other ways. I can list to you all of the ways in which I wasn't always the best girlfriend to him but it doesn't matter. He wasn't allowed to abuse me.
One of Mr. X’s friends, whose intentions where good but who also doesn't seem to understand the dynamics of domestic violence, has asked me why I stayed when things got unsafe and off course why did I go as far as to report him at the police?
Am I trying to screw up his life?
Here it is then, instead of waiting for me to come to you, you should have asked if something is wrong, you blamed me. Rather showed concern as you were aware of what was going on.
No matter how many times I pushed his buttons in your eyes it never gave him the right to trough me across a kitchen floor.
Instead of pressurising me into drop the charges and blaming me you should listened to my cries for help. You place conditions on your support; where was the support I needed from you?
Questioning my behaviour would not have stopped his violence. You don’t understand that this is victim blaming.
The only way to deal with a man's violence is to ask him why, or why he did whatever violent thing he did, and then to give him clear societal consequences for that violence, which you’re not doing; and that makes you just as guilty.
Mr. X has not acknowledged what he's done, and you remained his friend, then you have inadvertently endorsed his behavior.
Abusive men love neutrality and silence. It tells them that they can get away with anything.
People who know Mr. X was abusive and that he abused me treat him like he's a great guy.
To those of you who are showing Mr. X that his violence against me really didn't matter, that he was justified in it, that it wasn't such a big deal for him to have abused me, that there is gray area, that maybe I deserved it:
That's how I, the victim, ends up being blamed and under constant “victim blaming”, because Mr. X, the perpetrator, knows it doesn't matter, that he will always have the support of his blind propagandists.
In the end I need to stress that I left because I knew we were silently killing each other; I left because I had a child to think off.
I left because I loved myself enough to know that I am meant for greater things in life other than being constantly put down and made feel inadequate.
I am worth more than that. My child deserved better than growing up in an unhealthy home. My son deserved to have a happy home.
When I was publicly humiliated on social media sites, I kept quiet.
When I was yelled at by his family and friends in public areas, I still kept quiet.
I won’t be dragged down to that level. If I didn’t make a stand against the abuse he would have just done it to the next girl that came along. The abuse wasn’t a once off thing, it happened to the girl before me and I now wish I had listened back then to all the warnings, but I kept myself blind and deaf to all of it.
Stop blaming the victim and decide what you are to the victim and enemy or a friend because in the end, what will hurt the most is not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Follow Women24 on Twitter and like us on Facebook.
