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I’m 35 and after my baby was born (in my second marriage) I felt as if my whole life came to a standstill. My husband was never emotionally or physically there for me when I was pregnant and I felt very lonely. I’m a housewife and feel trapped.
I have to ask my husband for everything, including toiletries for myself. I have to tell him if I need money for things, and can’t run the house properly because I feel terrible always asking for the stuff we need.
After two years of marriage I feel as if I’ve become someone else entirely. I feel like a failure and don’t want to cook and clean anymore because it means I’m always asking for stuff. I’ve spoken to my husband about it and he always says there’s no money but he goes to the shop and comes home with junk.
In my first marriage I ran the home so well and everything was always in order and meals were planned. Now all I do is smoke weed so I can forget my problems. We don’t fight but seems as if we have nothing to talk about anymore. I’m starting to think about other men.
-Cindy, email
Dr Louise’s advice
The core problem is that you feel as if you’ve lost your identity and independence. This won’t change if you remain dependent on your husband for everything. The solution is to find a job. Tell him you’ll be looking for employment then carry through with it. If you find a job, even if it’s not quite what you had in mind, accept it and start working so you can earn your own money.
It won’t be easy. You want things to change but it’s unlikely that your husband wants things to change – if he did, he would have taken note when you spoke to him about how you feel.
So if you want to feel less trapped and more in control of your life, you’re the one who’ll have to change the status quo. The solution is not to smoke weed and think about other men but rather to take steps to be more independent again. Once you are, you can think about whether you really want to stay in the marriage or not.
